After finishing my exam, I felt so ... just can't find the correct word to describe my feeling. No burden? maybe. I am definitely sure I did not feel tachycardia anymore. What should I do next? THat's a major problem. I did not know what to do. I felt so EMPTY!!! Okay, i washed my lab coat; drank Magnesium Trisilicate. Then I went to YN's room to online. I am so addicted to it. I longed to write my blog. Time flies. I updated my facebook and friendster, checking and forwarding my emails and downloading Christmas songs. B spotted me online in messenger. He tempted me to go out with him to MidValley this evening. I was so interested. I could go shopping and take nice photographs, somewhat with B and his 'COOL' camera! But, i turned down the offer. This was because I had asked W to bring me and YN out for dinner tonight. I would feel guilty if I suddenly cancel of the appointment. Arrgghhhh, it put me in such a Dilemma. Finally, i hold on to my appointment. The next thing was, looking at the clock for time. Oh, it was time to bathe. By 6pm, I'm done. Now that i'm actually waiting for his call. By 7.05pm, he called me. Unfortunately, he had a family dinner at the same time. So, of course I said to him to go for his family dinner, which is more important. Although I did feel a bit disappointed. I weren't angry. Just plain frustrated that I had nothing to do. Moreover, I felt guilty causing YN to wait for him yet no dinner anymore! Luckily, YN had back-up plan. She called another friend of hers and wee~~ we're heading to Jusco for dinner and movie! A few moments later, W asked me out a supper. He must be feeling guilty for abruptly cancelled the appointment. So, i just offer if he wanted to join me for movies in Jusco. He did went to Jusco to meet me, but he opted to skip the movie part. Too late for him as he has to wake up early the next morning for work. I don't mind. So sweet of him to accompany me. I enjoyed it. Though he kinda trying to have body contact with me by rubbing his finger on my arms in a few occasions. He also praised me that I am pretty tonight. Besides that, we talked about his girlfriend in Russia, fragrance, daring me to lose weight and so on... Althought there was times when both of us fell silence, I still enjoy the moment a lot. Could this last longer? Can it happen again? So like I'm daydreaming... Last but not least, YN didn't buy movie ticket for me. He insisted on me to go watch. Despite that, I am in no mood to watch actually. I'm tired. My eyes were worse than a panda, i thought. I just wanted to have a good nice sleep. Hence, he sent me back. Well, in front of my hostel, there were people walking here and there. Unavoidable, Sharon and Sow Cheng saw me. Both of them wanted to verify. Okay, I am in no mood to deny. He did went to Jusco to meet me (although he was tired and kept yawning). But, so far, W and I are just FRIENDS. He never say anything more than that. People asked, your girlfriend? I don't see him denying it. Well, I just kepy insisting to my busybody coursemates that we are just friends. I do have some feelings toward him. I like seeing him. Though, I am not sure how he feels for me right at this moment. Does he likes me too? or maybe him and I just good friends? Sincerely, I hope I can know him more, be closer to him and wish for my hope will be answered soon. I hope. Will he?

Hope

I made the initiative to go LR to see him. Well, I think I’m making it very obvious. Although I had some cover-up moves. He did come to talk to me, however, I did not know whether it was just coincidently he walked out to find someone, then just saw me by chance and talked to me. I was like a lil’ blank every time I see him. Usually I’ll become tongue-tied! Idiot! Oh…

He asked me to have a dinner with him, a rush dinner as he was on-call yesterday. My heart wanted, but my mind kept telling me to reject him, as I want to know how much he wants me as his company. Is it he only asked me by chance as I meet him in the ward? Or is it he just feel lonely and simply asked me? Or maybe he did really want to have a dinner with me? She told me her opinion that if a guy really fond of me, he will ask me out again even if I had rejected him a few times. I mean, if HE really likes me, do ask me out again, my heart will melt! I’m not a stony-hard person. I’m just a girl. I think I have made so many moves that show I am fond of HIM. Pasar malam, ward, and lunch in Kompleks.

I just want HIM to make a few initiatives. Am I asking too much? Just Call me or message me. Keep my mind occupied. Everytime it was me who message or find him. I’m just a girl. To me, I think I am straight forward enough. I am fond of him. What? I think HE does have some interest in me, but I want to ask for more signs to confirm. Sometimes, I think he is so nice to everyone that I’m just one of it. Nothing special. Just plain sweet talks. IF it is really that case, I SHOULD quit missing HIM. It’ll be better just remain friends. Don’t waste my energy thinking about HIM.

I really wish I am a boy right now. I want to know how does a boy thinks and feels, especially in this kind of situation. But I’m just a girl. I just want to protect myself from getting HURT in the end. I’m not asking too much, am I? I really hate this part right now, because it leaves me hanging. Dilemma.

DO YOU LIKE ME? C’mon, give me some signs, because I like you too, it wouldn’t be so difficult to approach me. Otherwise, DON”T contact me no more, let me live peacefully… sigh~~

I am disappointed with myself. I think too much. Daydreaming. I put too high hope. I am too desperate! What’s wrong with me??!!

Undeniably, I do like him. I think of him whenever I am free. I think of the way he talked to me, his gestures and eye contact. I guess I just misunderstood his friendliness instead of liking me! I feel I am at lost now in a deep blue sea. I miss him. But I don’t think he does to me. It is just me, myself and I who wanted for more. I hope something better to happen. Maybe any signs and symptoms which shows I am right, in a certain way? Maybe he does have feeling towards me too? I hope. I wish. Will it ever happen? I want to stop myself from thinking of him now. What for if it’s only me alone… I hate this part right here! I just lost something I wanted so much. I feel so awkward! But I never regret any moment I talked to him. At least some sweet memories floats in my head. For me to mesmerize. I gotta stop this even though I don’t like it. For my own sake. Nobody can help me except myself. I feel myself very stupid and dumb. I am lost now. I feel bad!

I can’t stop thinking about him. Especially after meeting him yesterday in Jusco Bukit Tinggi with a girl named Sam. I don’t know. I felt Jealous. Am I crazy?? I think so. Yes. Him and I aren’t tied down together as boyfriend and girlfriend. So why do I feel so? Cause I like him. Crush. Sigh…. Every moment I keep looking at my handphone, wishing it will ring. Any message from him or maybe call? (worse) Everytime it was me to initiate to message him, waiting more than 12 hours for a simple reply. Stupid me. Like yesterday, I couldn’t control myself from messaging him about Jday. This time, I really really wish he will automatically, I mean initiates to contact me. Will he? The chances seems to be very small. Maybe I should just kill that thought! Sad case. I am so desperate. I feel so empty and lonely. I want to have a boyfriend, for me to love and to be loved. Will I ever get it? I’m not sure…

My mom asked me yesterday, does anyone interested in me?

That sparked my thought.... She meant the boy that accompany me to ward almost everyday. Well, I did told my mom about what's happening to me everyday, my findings, my cases, my feelings and so on. My mom is my best friend. No one can beat that. But still, there's not everything I can tell her. Sometimes, I feel very miserable cause I can't share the story with her. I can't tell her everything I feel. It is like bursting inside of me.... What can I do? Keep it within me, I concluded, is the best way.

What the heck it is about? What makes me so sick of myself? Haih...

I'm in the run of searching for my life partner, my "the other half" in another words. Undeniably, I'm attracted to the opposite sex especially when he is a good man, trustworthy and honest. Mom asked me before, what criteria do i set? Well, I want a clean-cut, genuine man with honesty and trustwothy. Is it too high my request? I don't think so. No matter what his job, where he works, the most important thing is that he loves me as I do to him. So far, nil~~

Sometimes, i'm fascinating about meeting my boyfriend, with him cudddling me, hugging and kissing me... It is so warm, I suppose... I wish it will come true. Especially when I saw other couples in the walk-way. I'm jealous for sure. I keep asking myself, when will it be my turn? I know myself, i'm not very pretty, short and plum. None in me that is attracting and outstanding. But i believe it will be my turn when someone discover who is me, inside me.... This ain't gonna be easy, maybe takes time too... Whatever, I'm daydreaming~~

Oh man, i'm finally back in hostel at HTAR again. IT is not a stranger to me, but still, I miss home. ~Home Sweet Home~~

I boarded the train last night at Wakaf Bharu Train Station at 7.10pm. The train was late. Both my parents sent me off. Oh yeah, the coach E4 was damn hot as the air conditioner was not on. After someone went to complaint, it was finally switched on. It was not very cold, but cool enough for me..I was sitting on my bed reading CLEO, the magezine bought in the evening. While reading, I finished off the Pita Bread mom cooked for me. IT was so nice and delicious. Oh, wish I can have more, it was so tasty. 2 hours later, about 9pm, I was a bit dizzy, as an effect of reading on moving vehicle. Hence, I put my self to sleep, though it was quite early still.

"Bum bum bi dam bum, bum, bi dam bum....disturbia~~~" my message alert tone rang, it was messages from mom... Then i went off to sleep again....

The next moment i woke up was already 8.30am. I was quite surprised that I slept for that long hours. A good and deep sleep. I felt so much more energized. After an hour, the train arrived at KL sentral. I went to 7-11 to bought 3 high 5 bread, then went to Pasar Seni LRT to take bus to come back to HTAR. The whole journey was quite smooth. About 10.30am i stepped into D110. My room. I cleaned and mopped the floor. Put my Yellow Blanket out under sun to let UV kills bacteria; same things goes to my bed sheet and pillows too. After that only I went to bath. I was quite smelly, I don't deny that. Haha....

I wanted to call my mom, but i postponed the thought after lunch. Coincidentally, my mom called me when i went to toilet to wash clothes. I called her, informing her my journey and that I arrived in HTAR safe and sound. I went to lunch in the dining hall alone. Luckily Khoon Sim came and eat and accompany during my meal time. Not so boring though...

Help, i can't access my own blog!!!

I always wish I can have a romantic or at least a nice relationship by the time I reach 21 years old. Just a trustworthy and honest guy who loves me and take care of me... It requires feelings... I know, i know, the more I wish, the more things won't happen to me.... It is always like that. I just can't explain why. Maybe GOD is playing games with me. I dont dare to go fortune-teller to ask for my romance. Because I afraid things will turned out bad. I mean~~not on the bright side. On the other hand, maybe i'm too fussy? nope, i don't think so. Not much guy friends around me. Am I too passive? Some quiet girls also able to attract the opposite sex. Why can't I when i'm more active and talkactive than them? erm, I know i'm not beautiful or possessing a slim and sexy body, i'm me! What's wrong with me??? THis thought have been jumping inside my head for quite some time. I never able to figure it out... Haih....

I changed my haircut, try on new style, hanging out with a differet group of friends who are more out-going and more male friends. But still, I'm always on the dark side. No one sees me, I wish i can be in the limelight. I mean, I want to try?! Anyway, I do not know what to say, just smile and stand a side. Cause I dont' have a thing which enable me to comment or participate! No beauty, not sexy, not knowledgable enough, dull, plum, short, not jovial and NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!

Am i too fierce to be approachable? maybe. That always become the first feedback i got when getting to know new people. I did try to change, to break the ice. More smiles... But i dont' like to fake it! Not me at all<<>

Haih...WHATEVER! i gotta keep my life goin on, to see more, to experience more, to play more, and keep searching. I will not give up. I know I shouldn't. LIFE IS COMPLICATED. nobody can deny that, it just depend on how you look at things from different perspectives.

~chao~

Well, I'm kinda new to this blogspot.com//

I like writing post, it is a way where i can express my feelings, to the extent of all those things that I hardly can tell others include my mom through verbal language!

I just finish my exam 2 days ago, which i thought was quite bad. My efforts all in med posting? All went into dust! It was not that i never did that examination before, but... I'm not well-prepared, which I should! I'm mad with myself. Although I can't do a thing about it now... I'm always like that, regrets came when it's already an end =.=

There is so many things in my head. I'm having palpitations and grasping for air when i woke up suddenly from my bed! Nightmares... Even eveningmares! Whatever~~ I'm thinking about my exam, my friends, my groupmates, my med posting which already comes to an end, my next future posting; my family, my search for the other half??? Haih, everything is so intense and I wish I can solve it immediately. But, my LIFE is just about to begin... Like I always say,"LIFE IS COMPLICATED!" We'll never know what will happen next... to make it short, Things never occur like what i expected or planned. That's why...