Do I appreciate my learning here???

Friday was my last day posted in PICU. Right after CPC at 4pm, all five of us rushed there for attendance. As Prof. Lucy said, signature won't come cheap. I know that, anticipated for that since monday...

At about 5pm, suddenly there were 2 patients rushed into PICU. An indian girl with diabetic ketoacidosis and another indian boy who suddenly developed cyanosis on feeding. Situation was quite tense, as doctors and nurses all busy attending to both of them. Trying to get an IV access, taking the vital signs, providing oxygen, ambu-bagging the patients and etc. House-officers were busy clerking parents and guardians for thorough history and so on.

On the other hand, medical students were seemed to be obstructing movements of doctors and nurses by crowding around the beds. We want and need to observed the procedures, yet a bit lost what to do...( i mean myself). We were asked to smell the ketotic breath of the patient. We all did, but nobody ever take the steps to thoroughly examine the patient, especially vital signs, clinically. Then, we were also asked to count the fluid and insulin to be given. Fortunately, Prof. Lucy guided us. Next, count the corrected sodium and osmolarity. OOOHHH....forgotten the formula. They were all in physiology...

PP and I tried the internet, but without success, unfortunately. After that, a doctor had supplied the formula and counted whatever that was needed. Ouch, luckily. Thereafter, my attention was moving between the infant boy and the diabetic patient. Sometimes get a bit lost, sometimes amazed by the management done by the doctors, because I do not know what to do.

An hour later, patients had already stabilized. It was medical students' time to answer questions, in order to get signature for our five-days attendance. Dr. Gan seemed to enjoy the session he tortured us. haha... He asked all the simple basic calculations and values that required us to remember since 1st year physiology. I was correct, most of it, but my other colleagues seemed to be shocked by my answers. Well, they left me doubted my own knowledge and memory. I was confuse and immediately crashed my own confidence on the spur of the moment.

After 50 minutes of torturing, we were granted with cutie signatures and released.

I felt bad and guilty. Since friday morning. Did I appreciate my time in PICU? it was my only week with proper guidance there. Oh my goodness.... There were still tonnes of things which I couldn't remember. How can I ever best manage a patient if I don't even know the basic principles???

I tend to be influenced by others all the time. I want everybody else to agree with me. If not, I will shadow away my own thoughts, and follow others instead. That's bad! Where goes my confidence and principles??? I hate myself for that...

Am I so easy influenced by others because I am a gemini?
Am I that because of my attitude? behavior?

I don't know. Time is always not enough for me. I need to study, need to learn in ward, need to socialise. Oh, my adrenaline rush now urging me to get something sweet!

I am trying hard to utilise all the teaching sessions and guidance available for students here. However, something seemed to be "in" the way....
I'm trying hard, put my very best, really....