WHAT I AM SEARCHING FOR...

I've been thinking over and over again, of my life.

What I have...now.

What I want...in the future.

What I need...for the rest of my life.

What do I expect...for my future career and relationship I am looking forward to.

What I afraid of...failure.

What I am avoiding...disappointment.

What I refuse to accept...I'm overweight.

What I anticipate for...a mutual relationship.

What I am concern for...my body weight and being single 4ever!

What I hate to think of...being lonely 4ever...I hope I will not be.

Take it easy. Your time is yet to come. You will ... someday ( seems so far away )

To be honest, I do agree that I'm am sort of a negative thinking person. I worries a lot. I think a lot. I am way too concern of what others think of me, and also think a lot of myself, not to the expectations I have targeted for myself.

Hence, I often got disappointed with myself. Mostly my mood is down and low because I got frustrated by my own self. I am the type who can laugh non-stop, can be easily triggered by a simple joke; but may not show the real me all the time. I'm trying not to fake-out my emotions to others all the time, although most of the time, my facial expressionsssssss showed everything!

I dont' feel like bothering others, especially those close friends around me.

I feel guilty for making others troubled by my own stupid thoughts.

Yet, I do agree that I am also the type who needs to spill my feelings out.

I am no longer young, to comment on my age. But I do think that I am still way too immature thinking. Still need a lot of helps and guidance by those wisely who always stand for me. Thanks so much for your suppports. I do hope I can be fully independent.

Another thing is, I am very childish in handling my emotions. My mood is always fluctuating.

I do realise that for my profession, I need to wear mask for my emotions some of the time.

It ain't easy to do that.

Last but not least, afraid of being lonely (from being a singleton 4ever) is one of my biggest concern. I do not restraint from the fact that I think of it quite frequently, especially when people around me kept reminding me that I need to find a boyfriend ASAP or else nobody will want to marry a doctor and so on... Hate to hear and think about it, but all those thoughts did bother me. I don't really have the guts to share it verbally, even with those who are very close to me, because I feel very insecure to say it. Everyone will sure laugh at me for my silly thoughts. That's what I think. Am I wrong? I hope I am...

As I step into adulthood, the more I am expose to all kinds of human politics and behaviours.

I am not comfortable to all kinds, but I do make an effort to adapt to them.

Again, it ain't easy.

I do realise that I concerned too much, that I make myself depressed at times.

I struggling to get out of it, when I conscious enough of what makes me miserable at that particular moments, in which I would say I'm not getting over it with ease.

I know I know, better not to think too much at a time...

but it is hard for me not to think about it...HOW?

What am I suppose to do if I don't even know how NOT to think about it too hard?