I've made my decision

After attended the CME on wednesday morning, I met up with HM to approach Prof. J at O&G department. She had gave us her advises and blunt comments on our programme. As a scientific commitee head, I was bombarded with questions and direct comments which I could not answer and explain the reasons.

Later on, I've called Ben to inform him regarding all those comments and ideas, I had broken down in dining hall. He debated and reasoning on all the points Prof. J enquired. Plus, with his tone and harsh voice, I could no longer hold myself on. My tears flowing down in a parallel streams on both of my cheeks. I heard he was mumbling on the phone, but I could not understand nor listen to his arguments.

Why the hell does he debate to me on the phone??? I just told him and conveyed the message to him. I asked some questions before, but did not get the required answers. Now that because it was Prof. J who commented, he one-shot telling me. But, I could not focused my attention to listen to all those crap, at the very moment! I was feeling very tense, very emotional (as I always am), helpless and disappointed.

As a reflex, my action was to stopped him.

"Why are you telling me all these on the phone now?! You should go and meet her and explain to her! Do you still want to meet her then?"

Well, I did that.

" I can't answer all those reasons you're telling. Because HM and I both do not know a thing bout it. All we did was to help you organise. You better meet her, are you goin to fight with her? argue? just meet her and explain!"

My voice change, my tone changed, I was very emotional and already on the edge of breaking down.

He sensed that, and immediately stopped his argument. Instead, he asked me to calm down. He just wanted to know what had Prof. J commented on, then he could conveyed the messages to futher discuss with Prof. Lee. That's all.

I ended the conversation.

More tears were flowing down. My eyes were red. HM was standing aside waiting. She had accompanied me walked back to room. She consoled me, that it was not our fault, since we're all amateur...

I appreciated her words, made me realise who appreciated my works, at least...

I sat in front of my table crying. All those images and conversation appears in front of me. I was late for OT, as I had promised JN. I need to stop all this tears. But, I need someone to listen to me, my words. YY not in, mom and dad were in the class teaching. I felt lost and lonely on the spurs of moments. I sprinkled my face with cold water to calm myself down. It did work a lil' bit.

After 20 mins, I had already stopped crying. But my eyes were swollen red. I still need to go to OT. I figured by wearing mask is much better to hide my reddish nose. Eyes, can't do anything.

I can't even put myself to share my story with JN without shedding tears in the OT. Dad called at the same time, I still couldn't speak regarding that matter. Instead, listening to dad's voice helped to calm me down partially. This is only a small matter indeed.

Hours passed by quickly. I told my roomie about it. Luckily she's so patience to listen to all my complaints each time. I personally thank her so much about it. It ain't easy to find roomie to share my feelings. I just need some ears to spur my heart out!

I slept to shun my mind of the incident in the evening. Maybe I' had been lack of sleep, that's was why I am so emotional. I guess....

After dinner time, mom called. I talked to her nearly 2 hours on the phone. She directly commented that I am so stupid in the first place to bear myself like that for weeks. I had trouble cooperating with teammates. Ignorance, avoidance and pretending. I hate it! I did not have the courage to speak face-to-face, plus, I do not want to fight, with somebody I need to continue working for the subsequent months. In addition, I had already lost my confidence in the whole things since 2 weeks ago. I did my job because I promised to.

In the end, I got my mom's support to resign from the committee. Since I was not happy. No point keep forcing myself to work under stress, who might not even appreciate my contribution. I had only realized I was really under stress, that it changes my mood and voice. Tension.

Now that I had the courage to be irresponsible, I must do it fast. I made an appointment to see face-to-face with Ben. I need to talk to him.

Next day afternoon, I got a phone call from him instead. He was outside and was unable to come back in time. I told him that I think I am incapable to perform my job properly, and my idea to resign. He only double confirmed my decision, and mentioned that it is best for me to continue, since the preparation for the conference is already 50-70% done. It was also kind of irresponsible to stop halfway like this. But since I had made my decision, He can't stop me. Then, the conversation ended. Short and precise.

The first thing that came to my mind was that, I was not important and appreciated at all!!!!

I had rushed here and there, putting myself under stress to run the programme. Yet, I was discarded so easily, with no effort to show appreciation to my contribution so far. He didn't even ask me if there's anything I would like to remind/handle my stuff to. I felt that I was running like a chicken without an aim, which eventually being thrown into the longkang by the end of the day!

One thing, I had no regret at all after I spoke to him.

Initially, I was afraid I would soften down and agreed to continue my job. Because I felt irresponsible to quit like that and fear of what others will think of me. I care what others look onto me. Every comments will strike my mind deeply. I mind what people says about me. I always do. But now, I don't care what He look upon me. He didn't even cares about me. Reasons I stopped? Am I okay? Anthing I would like to tell further regarding my arrangements on the programme?

Whatever, I had put down a heavy stone away from my mind and heart. I get rid of that responsibility. I know that my action is bad, for leaving halfway, me myself don't like this, because I hate people doin stuff with no ending. Yet, this time, it's different. I could not bear the whole thing myself, after all, my work was not appreciated at ALL!

3 days had passed, yet still no one to ask me regarding my progression for past 1 week regarding the programme. I only sent an email to the "faking teammates" containing lecturers' email addresses, just in case she need to approach them further.

I SEE THEM. Who at least shows some cares to me...

At least, I can look into the clear sky now...without the heavy burden dragging me for another few months. I better focus onto my academic, which determine my future, rather than forcing myself to work with people I hate and dislike, who doesn't appreciate my existence at all!

What a nice view~~~