Genuinely TRUE from the heart...

Just happen my last minor posting yesterday, my group had a Viva Voce session with Dr. Fadhilah, an ophthalmologist. She's quite nice in the end, cause she teach and psycho us.

It was a group viva, where we're paired into 3 in a group. So she started by giving a scenario to the first group on her left. Basic stuff, ocular emergencies, pharmacology and management of the patient. We're allow to listen and make notes. I realised I only know less than 50% after a 2 weeks posting in Ophthalmology clinic. Haih...

About an hour later, it came to my turn. I was in the same group with JN and Dila. We're given a case of patient with Diabetic Retinopathy. Dila had answered with confidence of the history part. My turn, I proceeded to physical examination. I was stucked with my own explaination for each step of examinations I am to perform on the patient. I was playing and twisting my blue pen, shaking my legs under the table, and delayed in giving answers by "erm....erm.....erm...".

Actually, I only realised I was shaking my legs and eyes rolling, in the mean while squeezing my brain juice to find the appropriate answers. My lecturer did not waited long, as she proceeded to ask JN further questions. After 20 mins of questioning, she stopped us and proceeded to the last group of boys.

During the session, when lecturer was waiting for my answer, she had commented to me, "do not feel afraid to answer the questions." I heard that. But, that was a too little too late, cause my turn had passed. No turning back.

After that, JN whad wrote some notes on a piece of paper.

There is something I want to tell you. Hope it can help you in your future.

1. You're playing with your pen during the viva session.

~ this shows you are nervous

~ you're not professional

2. During your presentation and seminar, you used "erm" a lot.

You should get rid of this.

I was stunned at the moment. Not because she was commenting on me, but because she was so observant. She quietly observed me, now that she told me what was wrong with my actions. I was actually touched. I never realised I had used "erm" a lot... that's bad, cause I am so not confident. Well, as a matter of fact, that is very true. I am not confident, especially when talking and speaking in front of people. I know that her words are truthful and sincerely beneath from her heart.

I admired her truthfulness, as well as her confidence. She can speak so well as during presentation. I always loose mine when many eyes staring at me. I suppose that is when I started to "erm....erm...," and so on. I am happy cause I have a TRUE friend who can pointed out my weaknesses and give me advice on them. This is because not much friends who actually be so truthful.

On the other hand, I bumped into my chronic illness again....lack of confidence.

I do not know where can I search it, in the books? in the mirror? in the closet? in my brain?

I am lost... but at least i find solace that I still have friends who speak to me~~