Camouflage

What does that means?
= The act of concealing the identity of something by modifying its appearance.

Modifying our reactions to certain events,
in order to please the others,
preventing bad feelings,
avoiding rejections,
hate to see unhappy response from others,
thinking that "following" will make the flow of events smoother,
in the end,
feel bitter in the heart,
quietly suffer in oneself,
try to forget it,
just to feel better at the end.

It works sometime. Depending on who, where, what thing it is.
Lamenting, complaining, teardrops on both cheeks, mood swing, etc.....
All those helps to release the tension built up inside, occasionally.
Hiding ownself's feeling and mindful thoughts behind,
just like living in the shadow...

A genuine feedback from those who concern about,
really do helps and open the mind,
to things, small little things in the daily life,
which tend to be ignored/forgotten,
become obvious and important.

Standing up, face don't look downward onto the floor,
Eye contacts, and smiling face, cheerful expression, positive attitude,
Don't be afraid to freeze one's heart,
just to say NO sometimes,
just to share one's thought at a time,
don't think too much, but to accept the fact after expressing the thoughts that flow through the mind.
All these build one's confidence,
which is applicable to all daily life activities.

LIFE, there is so many unexpected events,
They don't come all at once, but in parcel...
It is not obvious for some reason, yet it brings so many lessons which can be learn into facing challenges for the rest of one's life.

Hence, is camouflage a good OR a bad thing?

Genuinely TRUE from the heart...

Just happen my last minor posting yesterday, my group had a Viva Voce session with Dr. Fadhilah, an ophthalmologist. She's quite nice in the end, cause she teach and psycho us.

It was a group viva, where we're paired into 3 in a group. So she started by giving a scenario to the first group on her left. Basic stuff, ocular emergencies, pharmacology and management of the patient. We're allow to listen and make notes. I realised I only know less than 50% after a 2 weeks posting in Ophthalmology clinic. Haih...

About an hour later, it came to my turn. I was in the same group with JN and Dila. We're given a case of patient with Diabetic Retinopathy. Dila had answered with confidence of the history part. My turn, I proceeded to physical examination. I was stucked with my own explaination for each step of examinations I am to perform on the patient. I was playing and twisting my blue pen, shaking my legs under the table, and delayed in giving answers by "erm....erm.....erm...".

Actually, I only realised I was shaking my legs and eyes rolling, in the mean while squeezing my brain juice to find the appropriate answers. My lecturer did not waited long, as she proceeded to ask JN further questions. After 20 mins of questioning, she stopped us and proceeded to the last group of boys.

During the session, when lecturer was waiting for my answer, she had commented to me, "do not feel afraid to answer the questions." I heard that. But, that was a too little too late, cause my turn had passed. No turning back.

After that, JN whad wrote some notes on a piece of paper.

There is something I want to tell you. Hope it can help you in your future.

1. You're playing with your pen during the viva session.

~ this shows you are nervous

~ you're not professional

2. During your presentation and seminar, you used "erm" a lot.

You should get rid of this.

I was stunned at the moment. Not because she was commenting on me, but because she was so observant. She quietly observed me, now that she told me what was wrong with my actions. I was actually touched. I never realised I had used "erm" a lot... that's bad, cause I am so not confident. Well, as a matter of fact, that is very true. I am not confident, especially when talking and speaking in front of people. I know that her words are truthful and sincerely beneath from her heart.

I admired her truthfulness, as well as her confidence. She can speak so well as during presentation. I always loose mine when many eyes staring at me. I suppose that is when I started to "erm....erm...," and so on. I am happy cause I have a TRUE friend who can pointed out my weaknesses and give me advice on them. This is because not much friends who actually be so truthful.

On the other hand, I bumped into my chronic illness again....lack of confidence.

I do not know where can I search it, in the books? in the mirror? in the closet? in my brain?

I am lost... but at least i find solace that I still have friends who speak to me~~