WHAT I AM SEARCHING FOR...

I've been thinking over and over again, of my life.

What I have...now.

What I want...in the future.

What I need...for the rest of my life.

What do I expect...for my future career and relationship I am looking forward to.

What I afraid of...failure.

What I am avoiding...disappointment.

What I refuse to accept...I'm overweight.

What I anticipate for...a mutual relationship.

What I am concern for...my body weight and being single 4ever!

What I hate to think of...being lonely 4ever...I hope I will not be.

Take it easy. Your time is yet to come. You will ... someday ( seems so far away )

To be honest, I do agree that I'm am sort of a negative thinking person. I worries a lot. I think a lot. I am way too concern of what others think of me, and also think a lot of myself, not to the expectations I have targeted for myself.

Hence, I often got disappointed with myself. Mostly my mood is down and low because I got frustrated by my own self. I am the type who can laugh non-stop, can be easily triggered by a simple joke; but may not show the real me all the time. I'm trying not to fake-out my emotions to others all the time, although most of the time, my facial expressionsssssss showed everything!

I dont' feel like bothering others, especially those close friends around me.

I feel guilty for making others troubled by my own stupid thoughts.

Yet, I do agree that I am also the type who needs to spill my feelings out.

I am no longer young, to comment on my age. But I do think that I am still way too immature thinking. Still need a lot of helps and guidance by those wisely who always stand for me. Thanks so much for your suppports. I do hope I can be fully independent.

Another thing is, I am very childish in handling my emotions. My mood is always fluctuating.

I do realise that for my profession, I need to wear mask for my emotions some of the time.

It ain't easy to do that.

Last but not least, afraid of being lonely (from being a singleton 4ever) is one of my biggest concern. I do not restraint from the fact that I think of it quite frequently, especially when people around me kept reminding me that I need to find a boyfriend ASAP or else nobody will want to marry a doctor and so on... Hate to hear and think about it, but all those thoughts did bother me. I don't really have the guts to share it verbally, even with those who are very close to me, because I feel very insecure to say it. Everyone will sure laugh at me for my silly thoughts. That's what I think. Am I wrong? I hope I am...

As I step into adulthood, the more I am expose to all kinds of human politics and behaviours.

I am not comfortable to all kinds, but I do make an effort to adapt to them.

Again, it ain't easy.

I do realise that I concerned too much, that I make myself depressed at times.

I struggling to get out of it, when I conscious enough of what makes me miserable at that particular moments, in which I would say I'm not getting over it with ease.

I know I know, better not to think too much at a time...

but it is hard for me not to think about it...HOW?

What am I suppose to do if I don't even know how NOT to think about it too hard?

Here we are again...Orientation time!

Supersenior, ni hao....

Oh man, I'm a supersenior now?! It's kinda hard for me to accept that actually. So fast, I'm already so "old". Anyway, I need to get used to it somehow. I'm anticipating also, in a way, to orientate the juniors, but in a proper way.

What do I mean?

Hmmmm, get to know them. But how to remember them? I don't even remember what I had studied for the past few hours, or even recall what the lecturers told us. Oh gosh...Obviously my mind is so congested. Anyway, I was given a task by Prof R to "psycho" the juniors, because they are the future doctors. Can they take the stress? Are they willing to? These include sacrificing the time, the playtime, the sleep time, one's physical and mentally and even psychologically health, just to serve the public as a doctor. It is not gonna be easy, even to try to talk to the juniors also difficult, based on the current situation in UM.

Spies are everywhere, just like in the movie. We're like locked up in a jail. haih...
This make me feel so sad not able to get to know the juniors. All I want to do is to talk to them, play with them, and giving them the hint to mentally and psychologicallly prepare them to face the future! Doctors might be JOBLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

ouch....it's hurt to hear that though...what to do? That seems to be the current trend in all hospitals in all states right now, exceptional case for Sabah and Sarawak, it seemed...

Do I appreciate my learning here???

Friday was my last day posted in PICU. Right after CPC at 4pm, all five of us rushed there for attendance. As Prof. Lucy said, signature won't come cheap. I know that, anticipated for that since monday...

At about 5pm, suddenly there were 2 patients rushed into PICU. An indian girl with diabetic ketoacidosis and another indian boy who suddenly developed cyanosis on feeding. Situation was quite tense, as doctors and nurses all busy attending to both of them. Trying to get an IV access, taking the vital signs, providing oxygen, ambu-bagging the patients and etc. House-officers were busy clerking parents and guardians for thorough history and so on.

On the other hand, medical students were seemed to be obstructing movements of doctors and nurses by crowding around the beds. We want and need to observed the procedures, yet a bit lost what to do...( i mean myself). We were asked to smell the ketotic breath of the patient. We all did, but nobody ever take the steps to thoroughly examine the patient, especially vital signs, clinically. Then, we were also asked to count the fluid and insulin to be given. Fortunately, Prof. Lucy guided us. Next, count the corrected sodium and osmolarity. OOOHHH....forgotten the formula. They were all in physiology...

PP and I tried the internet, but without success, unfortunately. After that, a doctor had supplied the formula and counted whatever that was needed. Ouch, luckily. Thereafter, my attention was moving between the infant boy and the diabetic patient. Sometimes get a bit lost, sometimes amazed by the management done by the doctors, because I do not know what to do.

An hour later, patients had already stabilized. It was medical students' time to answer questions, in order to get signature for our five-days attendance. Dr. Gan seemed to enjoy the session he tortured us. haha... He asked all the simple basic calculations and values that required us to remember since 1st year physiology. I was correct, most of it, but my other colleagues seemed to be shocked by my answers. Well, they left me doubted my own knowledge and memory. I was confuse and immediately crashed my own confidence on the spur of the moment.

After 50 minutes of torturing, we were granted with cutie signatures and released.

I felt bad and guilty. Since friday morning. Did I appreciate my time in PICU? it was my only week with proper guidance there. Oh my goodness.... There were still tonnes of things which I couldn't remember. How can I ever best manage a patient if I don't even know the basic principles???

I tend to be influenced by others all the time. I want everybody else to agree with me. If not, I will shadow away my own thoughts, and follow others instead. That's bad! Where goes my confidence and principles??? I hate myself for that...

Am I so easy influenced by others because I am a gemini?
Am I that because of my attitude? behavior?

I don't know. Time is always not enough for me. I need to study, need to learn in ward, need to socialise. Oh, my adrenaline rush now urging me to get something sweet!

I am trying hard to utilise all the teaching sessions and guidance available for students here. However, something seemed to be "in" the way....
I'm trying hard, put my very best, really....

Camouflage

What does that means?
= The act of concealing the identity of something by modifying its appearance.

Modifying our reactions to certain events,
in order to please the others,
preventing bad feelings,
avoiding rejections,
hate to see unhappy response from others,
thinking that "following" will make the flow of events smoother,
in the end,
feel bitter in the heart,
quietly suffer in oneself,
try to forget it,
just to feel better at the end.

It works sometime. Depending on who, where, what thing it is.
Lamenting, complaining, teardrops on both cheeks, mood swing, etc.....
All those helps to release the tension built up inside, occasionally.
Hiding ownself's feeling and mindful thoughts behind,
just like living in the shadow...

A genuine feedback from those who concern about,
really do helps and open the mind,
to things, small little things in the daily life,
which tend to be ignored/forgotten,
become obvious and important.

Standing up, face don't look downward onto the floor,
Eye contacts, and smiling face, cheerful expression, positive attitude,
Don't be afraid to freeze one's heart,
just to say NO sometimes,
just to share one's thought at a time,
don't think too much, but to accept the fact after expressing the thoughts that flow through the mind.
All these build one's confidence,
which is applicable to all daily life activities.

LIFE, there is so many unexpected events,
They don't come all at once, but in parcel...
It is not obvious for some reason, yet it brings so many lessons which can be learn into facing challenges for the rest of one's life.

Hence, is camouflage a good OR a bad thing?

I've made my decision

After attended the CME on wednesday morning, I met up with HM to approach Prof. J at O&G department. She had gave us her advises and blunt comments on our programme. As a scientific commitee head, I was bombarded with questions and direct comments which I could not answer and explain the reasons.

Later on, I've called Ben to inform him regarding all those comments and ideas, I had broken down in dining hall. He debated and reasoning on all the points Prof. J enquired. Plus, with his tone and harsh voice, I could no longer hold myself on. My tears flowing down in a parallel streams on both of my cheeks. I heard he was mumbling on the phone, but I could not understand nor listen to his arguments.

Why the hell does he debate to me on the phone??? I just told him and conveyed the message to him. I asked some questions before, but did not get the required answers. Now that because it was Prof. J who commented, he one-shot telling me. But, I could not focused my attention to listen to all those crap, at the very moment! I was feeling very tense, very emotional (as I always am), helpless and disappointed.

As a reflex, my action was to stopped him.

"Why are you telling me all these on the phone now?! You should go and meet her and explain to her! Do you still want to meet her then?"

Well, I did that.

" I can't answer all those reasons you're telling. Because HM and I both do not know a thing bout it. All we did was to help you organise. You better meet her, are you goin to fight with her? argue? just meet her and explain!"

My voice change, my tone changed, I was very emotional and already on the edge of breaking down.

He sensed that, and immediately stopped his argument. Instead, he asked me to calm down. He just wanted to know what had Prof. J commented on, then he could conveyed the messages to futher discuss with Prof. Lee. That's all.

I ended the conversation.

More tears were flowing down. My eyes were red. HM was standing aside waiting. She had accompanied me walked back to room. She consoled me, that it was not our fault, since we're all amateur...

I appreciated her words, made me realise who appreciated my works, at least...

I sat in front of my table crying. All those images and conversation appears in front of me. I was late for OT, as I had promised JN. I need to stop all this tears. But, I need someone to listen to me, my words. YY not in, mom and dad were in the class teaching. I felt lost and lonely on the spurs of moments. I sprinkled my face with cold water to calm myself down. It did work a lil' bit.

After 20 mins, I had already stopped crying. But my eyes were swollen red. I still need to go to OT. I figured by wearing mask is much better to hide my reddish nose. Eyes, can't do anything.

I can't even put myself to share my story with JN without shedding tears in the OT. Dad called at the same time, I still couldn't speak regarding that matter. Instead, listening to dad's voice helped to calm me down partially. This is only a small matter indeed.

Hours passed by quickly. I told my roomie about it. Luckily she's so patience to listen to all my complaints each time. I personally thank her so much about it. It ain't easy to find roomie to share my feelings. I just need some ears to spur my heart out!

I slept to shun my mind of the incident in the evening. Maybe I' had been lack of sleep, that's was why I am so emotional. I guess....

After dinner time, mom called. I talked to her nearly 2 hours on the phone. She directly commented that I am so stupid in the first place to bear myself like that for weeks. I had trouble cooperating with teammates. Ignorance, avoidance and pretending. I hate it! I did not have the courage to speak face-to-face, plus, I do not want to fight, with somebody I need to continue working for the subsequent months. In addition, I had already lost my confidence in the whole things since 2 weeks ago. I did my job because I promised to.

In the end, I got my mom's support to resign from the committee. Since I was not happy. No point keep forcing myself to work under stress, who might not even appreciate my contribution. I had only realized I was really under stress, that it changes my mood and voice. Tension.

Now that I had the courage to be irresponsible, I must do it fast. I made an appointment to see face-to-face with Ben. I need to talk to him.

Next day afternoon, I got a phone call from him instead. He was outside and was unable to come back in time. I told him that I think I am incapable to perform my job properly, and my idea to resign. He only double confirmed my decision, and mentioned that it is best for me to continue, since the preparation for the conference is already 50-70% done. It was also kind of irresponsible to stop halfway like this. But since I had made my decision, He can't stop me. Then, the conversation ended. Short and precise.

The first thing that came to my mind was that, I was not important and appreciated at all!!!!

I had rushed here and there, putting myself under stress to run the programme. Yet, I was discarded so easily, with no effort to show appreciation to my contribution so far. He didn't even ask me if there's anything I would like to remind/handle my stuff to. I felt that I was running like a chicken without an aim, which eventually being thrown into the longkang by the end of the day!

One thing, I had no regret at all after I spoke to him.

Initially, I was afraid I would soften down and agreed to continue my job. Because I felt irresponsible to quit like that and fear of what others will think of me. I care what others look onto me. Every comments will strike my mind deeply. I mind what people says about me. I always do. But now, I don't care what He look upon me. He didn't even cares about me. Reasons I stopped? Am I okay? Anthing I would like to tell further regarding my arrangements on the programme?

Whatever, I had put down a heavy stone away from my mind and heart. I get rid of that responsibility. I know that my action is bad, for leaving halfway, me myself don't like this, because I hate people doin stuff with no ending. Yet, this time, it's different. I could not bear the whole thing myself, after all, my work was not appreciated at ALL!

3 days had passed, yet still no one to ask me regarding my progression for past 1 week regarding the programme. I only sent an email to the "faking teammates" containing lecturers' email addresses, just in case she need to approach them further.

I SEE THEM. Who at least shows some cares to me...

At least, I can look into the clear sky now...without the heavy burden dragging me for another few months. I better focus onto my academic, which determine my future, rather than forcing myself to work with people I hate and dislike, who doesn't appreciate my existence at all!

What a nice view~~~

Sometimes, I just feel so hard to pass another day...

Maybe now that I am quite free, no test is waiting for me for at least another 6 weeks. Moreover, it is a weekend..Saturday. Time don't flies as it's always do. I don't feel like doing any revision; but I am looking forward to something which is more fun and exciting, which may alleviate the boringness and meaningless time just sitting and daydreaming in my room. =P

Luckily, a friend called me out. It is nice to go out with friends. Just anywhere. I loved to. But it is not often that I get the chance to go out with friends, because I am more passive in this, in the sense that I don't have the mouth to "ajak" people to go out. I am a bad social organiser, in a way..haha...

Back to topic, immediately I'm "on"" with the invitation and asked another friend of ours to go together. Goin out without an objective, is so plain good. Yet, it turned out to be..erm..

It just happened that my friend (who asked me out), was in the middle of breakup. I do not know what to offer. This is because I do not have much experience in relationship kinda thingy... All I can do is be a listener. I hope it helps. Although, in the end, my friend still struggling through with it... what a sad case...and I am helpless to him...

Again, LIFE seems complicated in a way to me again, especially in relationship thingy. I never get a clear gist of it. It involves too many aspects, feeling, work-out, effort, approximity, forgiveness, sharing, mind-reading, and so on... On the contrary, I don't even know whether do myself will even fulfill all that that i had mentioned above, to my partner. I hope I will. Sensitivity is important as well. ow..so many things to consider in just ONE of the pathways down the road in LIFE.

In short, LIFE is Not too easy, not too tough, try to make it as simple albeit it does seems complicated at times...

Genuinely TRUE from the heart...

Just happen my last minor posting yesterday, my group had a Viva Voce session with Dr. Fadhilah, an ophthalmologist. She's quite nice in the end, cause she teach and psycho us.

It was a group viva, where we're paired into 3 in a group. So she started by giving a scenario to the first group on her left. Basic stuff, ocular emergencies, pharmacology and management of the patient. We're allow to listen and make notes. I realised I only know less than 50% after a 2 weeks posting in Ophthalmology clinic. Haih...

About an hour later, it came to my turn. I was in the same group with JN and Dila. We're given a case of patient with Diabetic Retinopathy. Dila had answered with confidence of the history part. My turn, I proceeded to physical examination. I was stucked with my own explaination for each step of examinations I am to perform on the patient. I was playing and twisting my blue pen, shaking my legs under the table, and delayed in giving answers by "erm....erm.....erm...".

Actually, I only realised I was shaking my legs and eyes rolling, in the mean while squeezing my brain juice to find the appropriate answers. My lecturer did not waited long, as she proceeded to ask JN further questions. After 20 mins of questioning, she stopped us and proceeded to the last group of boys.

During the session, when lecturer was waiting for my answer, she had commented to me, "do not feel afraid to answer the questions." I heard that. But, that was a too little too late, cause my turn had passed. No turning back.

After that, JN whad wrote some notes on a piece of paper.

There is something I want to tell you. Hope it can help you in your future.

1. You're playing with your pen during the viva session.

~ this shows you are nervous

~ you're not professional

2. During your presentation and seminar, you used "erm" a lot.

You should get rid of this.

I was stunned at the moment. Not because she was commenting on me, but because she was so observant. She quietly observed me, now that she told me what was wrong with my actions. I was actually touched. I never realised I had used "erm" a lot... that's bad, cause I am so not confident. Well, as a matter of fact, that is very true. I am not confident, especially when talking and speaking in front of people. I know that her words are truthful and sincerely beneath from her heart.

I admired her truthfulness, as well as her confidence. She can speak so well as during presentation. I always loose mine when many eyes staring at me. I suppose that is when I started to "erm....erm...," and so on. I am happy cause I have a TRUE friend who can pointed out my weaknesses and give me advice on them. This is because not much friends who actually be so truthful.

On the other hand, I bumped into my chronic illness again....lack of confidence.

I do not know where can I search it, in the books? in the mirror? in the closet? in my brain?

I am lost... but at least i find solace that I still have friends who speak to me~~