ON ENJOYING A WEEKEND SOMEWHERE CALLED 'HOME'

Here it comes, my weekends. I've planned ahead of me to visit my grandaunty's house here in Taman Esplanad, Bukit Jalil. This was since a month ago because the plan had to be postponed until now as I had exam now and then. Hence, I just give my polite aunty Monica a message,and here I am now, in a warm and cozy three-storey corner lot terrace house in Bukit Jalil.

I arrived about noon time after they had fetch me in HTAR at 10am on Saturday. Since then, I ate and talk and ate and talk non-stop. I really enjoy myself to the utmost here. HOME! Although I haven't seen them in years, to count actually, but they really treat me nice. I actually feel more comfortable then going to my uncle's house. I already cancel of my mind that I might feel awkward staying here since I have not contact them for so long.

Home-cooked meals, family talks and playing around with my cousin Princess Vicky. She misses me a lot as claimed by her mom. Well, she kept all those cute emails i sent her. She listen to what I said. Maybe indirectly I have become her role model, as she is inspired to become a doctor. Well, I don't mind that, in fact, I'm proud of myself at some point. But I can't be cocky right? It is just a small compliment from my aunty. I promise to myself that I will play my part in return. Try to give some advices to vicky, eg. Consume more vegetables and so on... I may not come their house too often, as my finals are approaching soon.. But, I'll try my best, although I also do not want to bring them trouble for fetching me from Klang. Quite far. It is more convenient if I'm staying in UM, 15 minutes drives with no traffic jam. Can be consider, right?

I try to spend most of the time with them, talking and sharing, and play with Vicky. She's a single child, so I guess she is boring sometimes. I put aside my Occupational health for days now. Sad thing is, I'm going to have my OH exam on 22nd April, which is very soon. Die! How am I suppose to memorize everything in such short time??? Moreover, I do not what is the style of my new lecturer Dr.Syaridah or whatever la...

Anyway, this is my choice. Dividing time is always a challege to me. Study, relatives, play time, preparing for finals and whatsoever! I'm in dillemma and that already waste part of my time having to plan about it properly.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I will call it a day until here. ~YO~

Here I am, coming to think and worry about the same thing again and again...

My study, my life, my future life, work prospect, my elective, my holidays and my own choice!

So many things.... All these put me into dilemma actually! Can I balance these out? I mean my time to work, and play. Play hard and study smart! Do you realise where's the emphasize? Play always come first to me. No matter where I'm going, although maybe I look to be kinda serious sometimes, I do think and plan about PLAY. It is essential to life. We need it, I need it. I need it because it helps to destress me, reduce my acne problem and lessen my burden into cosmetic care! No la, the utmost importance is it makes me more confident because I am able to lift my head up high and face the world. That is the best! Study? This is my future. I want to settle myself down to a good one, live comfortably, doing things I love, helping others as much as I can, lessen the pain of those who suffer, that's my goals. People around me happy, I will be happy.

Save the earth! another issue to think about right now. Reduce the use of plastic bags, don't by stuff you don't need, recycle as much paper, plastic and glass bottles, aluminium cans and so on... I try my best and play my role as much as I can. I bring my own paper bag to night market to buy food and fruits. If possible, I don't use plastic bag. Alternatively, use it as much time as I can before it torn off or being thrown away finally! Hehe...

My social life...This is a major issue to me always. My friends around me. I can mix around, but sometimes I get irritated and can't stand them no more. I not sure whether is it always my attitude problem or is it theirs??? I ask my roommate a few times before, and she had reassured me. I can speak. But I'm not good at breaking the ice. Especially with guys. It is hard for me to make the moves to join them always. Unless there are someone else going along, I'm on. But for me to initiate a gathering or whatsoever, it is hardly. RARELY. I'm shy. I don't have the mouth to ask people to bring me out for movies, to yum cha, to shopping or whatever. Maybe this is partly due to the fact that I don't like to trouble others. So many reasons la...

Anyway, I always come to the same conclusion. Life is complicated! Time flies, i'm aging, things change, people change, life goes on~~

With a high hope i went to the ward, thought of clerking a female patient who probably having alcoholic liver disease. There i went, right after my lecture.

I walked there alone, as my partner was't coming to ward this evening. I saw there's one girl about my age sitting on the edge of the bed with a middle-aged lady on the bed, which was supposed to be my patient's bed. I began looking for the case file, as to confirm first. Yup. She was assigned to me as my patient. Hence, without wasting much time, I began my interview session. Most of the questions were answered by the daughter of my patient. Certain specific questions had to be translated to Tamil before my patient could answer me. Well, maybe she don't really understand BM well, though living in Malaysia for years...

As I inquested more, I was understood she was electively admitted for oesophaealgastroduodenoscopy (OGDS). Nevermind, I kept asking.What disappointed me the most was, she did not have any signs and symptoms alcoholic liver disease except for jaundice! No vomiting, no nausea, no hematemesis, no epigastric pain, no hypochondrium pain,no changes in urine colour,no melaena, no pruritus and etc... She totally complaint of nothing even for her previous admission but only jaundice! That's all!!! Moreover, she even claimed to just being a rare drinker. Last time was 3-4 years ago. The most she only drank no more than 1 small glass. Then?? How to come to the diagnosis? Why did they perform OGDS on her? She had no complaint of vomiting blood or whatever. In addition, her daughter said during the first scope, there was a few injury sites found and medication was given. Her mother had her second scope done where no more injury was found and medication was stopped. This time was only to check for any injury in the tract again. Nothing else.

My goodness sake, then why do they wrote in the admission book that this patient has alcoholic liver disease? I couldn't find any evidence to support that so far. Nevermind, I keep it within myself after about 20 minutes of asking questions which the answers were always NO. I proceeded with P/E. No positive finding except for scleral jaundice! Haih... Don't know what to say...

Then I met a colleague of mine. I told him my finding as he planned to do P/E on my patient too. Coincidently, an indian doctor was about to perform a femoral catheter on a sepsis patient for hemodialysis. I got interested and stuck there. By the way, the doctor also asked both of us to do abdomen examination on the patient after that. So there I stood watching and listening and memorizing what the doctor explaining.

In and out the needle poking from the patient's femoral vein... Saline was injected and some blood was taken. It seemed that the doctor was not satistied with the flow of blood in the right thigh. Hence, she changed to another side. By this time, I began to feel giddiness. I had told my colleague that I felt GELI already. But now, it had worsen. I could not stand it no more. I walked off. I could see my vision blurring, my visual field was getting smaller interrupted by shadows. My colleague had asked me to sit or offered me to buy me something, but I just couldn't answer him well as I could not listen well to what he had said to me. All was blurred. I walked, but in a zig-zag line. I tried best to balance myself. Luckily my colleague insisted on following me even though I had asked him to proceed with the observation. I found a chair to sit after asking for permission from another patient nearby. I even asked her if she had a sweet for me to chew. I might be hypoglycemia, although I'm not hungry. Maybe I was too exhausted. Lack of sleep. I closed my eyes off to shun myself from the world for a moment. I just kept wishing I would not faint, not in the ward! I guessed after 1 minute, I began to feel better. I talked to my colleague. He still offered me to buy me something to eat, or just take some biscuit from patient. I refused. I still want to see the procedure. Besides that, I also felt bad just walked off from the procedure just now. So both of us went to the bed again and continued. LUckily everything was fine. I just kept on sweating. Cold sweats I supposed.

Next, I decided to go back hostel for a rest. But half way on my journey, I only remembered that I had promised my another colleague of mine to bring back his tupperware. So again I went up to 7th floor. Finally, back!

Rushing to bathe, then here i went to night market located about 10 minutes walking distance from my hostel. Bought some fruits and food. Satisfied. Then I moved on with distributing some work to be typed for the appendix of my CRP project, and out of a sudden, my laptop just switch off. I was quite terrified at the moment because I could bare it if my laptop suddenly malfunction! Running here and there to ask other rooms, knowing it was not my laptop problem, but the plugs of all rooms had went wrong. So I went to the guard to ask for help. Fortunately, the problem was solve within less than 5 minutes! Yes~~

What a tiring day. I bathe another time as the weather was quite hot. Next, off the light and I lying like dead meat on my cozy bed....

Since morning, i'd been rushing here and there. Painting the whole KB town red! Yet, what i've done???

LIst to to completed:
my high heels, checked;
photocopy reference book, checked;
donation to WWF-Malaysia, checked;
Paying debts, checked,
Cut hair, checked;
Hugging mom;
eat as much home-cooked meals, DONE!

Well, I'm definitely sleep-deprived. Slept late but woke up early. I just refused to waste any minutes at home. Went online as long as i could and not making any effort to edit my thematic report! It was a total hazard! Language (as I have been always complaining about) and attitudes of my colleagues~~ I'm so sick of these...............

Luckily, i'm home. Balanced up! My dad was so willing to fetch me here and there helping me running my errants. Mom cooked such a nice meals for me. I'm so touched! Little bro was so loving... I wonder what have I done to them? .... I can't list it out.... So bad!

Anyway, the journey back to Klang tomorrow is gonna be torturing, I can imagine that already. WhateVer it is, I have no choice. Life's like this~

On the other hand, I'm fighting within my own inner conflict. Am I .... Shd I.... WHat will i discover? What will others think? WHat will happen exactly? or just end up NIL??!!
Just gotta leave things to settle on its own sometimes, nothing much that I can do.

Why????

I'm always thinking... I think a lot actually, of everything. Myself, my parents, my family, my friends, my academic, and etc.

I was so devastated when i first found out my plan to go back home failed. I even had tears flowing down my cheek. I just can't control that. Too bad. Too emotional of me. Yet, in the nick of time, my roomie saved me. She called up her aunt to give me a ride. In the end, i'm home! Yippie!!!! I can sleep on my bed, hug my lovely brother as well as my loving parents. I just feel so glad right now.

It has been quite some time since the last time i had posted a blog. In the past few weeks, I went to Maran, Pahang. A very small Bandar Ayam Kampung. While doing project, my group members and I had found some fun although some of us (girls) had lived miserably in the dining hall next to a kitchen! bad... On the other hand, it was indeed a very good memory and experience. My relationship with my coursemates became so much better and closer. We played together, sleep together (not the guys though...), eat together, and work together. I enjoyed alot!

Small things may lead to one another... Certain comments by my colleagues had made me pay extra attention to a friend. Well, I admitted that some comments really did make me feel shy to talk to him sometimes. LUckily, he was sporting enough for all those. HIm and I were just good friends (I think), although I don't know him much. Just have good impression on him. Hope those comments won't cause me to lose a friend like what I had experienced in my secondary school!

Mentioning of Maran town, my editing job not finish yet! Too bad that I have too bring it bcck to edit. Language is the major problem. I find it hard to understand what is written sometimes. I have to re-write the discussions again whilst my own language is not very good though...

So many things are waiting for me. Hence i'm often in dilemma, which to settle first?
WHatever.... (study later...)

Oh yeah, today 8.30pm is the time to play our part in joining the 60 earth hour programme. I'll play my role definitely.

Depress, is the word that suits me well? I’m not sure, because I don’t feel good, that’s all I can say for now.

Dunno why, I feel very down today. Morning wake up, I started to feel lost. Alone, to be exact. Why am I here? Where should I go? What should I do next? I feel like I lost my direction. I have task to do, but it makes me feel irritated. Uneasy. God knows why! Haih, I am feeling empty. It is so hard to describe it in words. I tried to eat, sweet stuff, you know, may increase good hormone that makes us feel good. But sadly, that don’t work on me this time. I try listen to music, but still no changes. Bad…. What should I do now? Talk? To whom? My mom? I don’t want to bother her with my problems. I don’t want her to worry about me, she is busy marking exam papers. Dad? Erm, he’ll sure say something positive to calm me down. But that’s not what I want.

Actually I don’t even know what I want. What I am searching for…. I just feel so empty. That’s all. As a matter of fact, my mood swings. I’m thinking that I’m not independent enough to solve my own problems. Friends? Who should I talk to? Roommate? I don’t’ know how to talk to her…. My best friend? By the way, I don’t’ want to bother anyone. But this stupid feeling is killing me at his moment. What can I do? Feel like crying… Too idiot to do so…

Currently listening to song by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. It is so graceful and sweet. But is it real? Can there be any miracle happen in reality? Just believe it and it can be achieved? I want to, but the hope is really frail…. Seems to be far far away. I’m just too naïve, I think. Although I really hope for a miracle deep down inside my heart. I want to be practical, but living in a dream world may make us feel good sometimes. Just believe that miracle will happen? Just so??!!

In a nutshell, it is just so simple yet so complicated. I wish someone can understand what i feel, or at least understand my feeling for now….

After finishing my exam, I felt so ... just can't find the correct word to describe my feeling. No burden? maybe. I am definitely sure I did not feel tachycardia anymore. What should I do next? THat's a major problem. I did not know what to do. I felt so EMPTY!!! Okay, i washed my lab coat; drank Magnesium Trisilicate. Then I went to YN's room to online. I am so addicted to it. I longed to write my blog. Time flies. I updated my facebook and friendster, checking and forwarding my emails and downloading Christmas songs. B spotted me online in messenger. He tempted me to go out with him to MidValley this evening. I was so interested. I could go shopping and take nice photographs, somewhat with B and his 'COOL' camera! But, i turned down the offer. This was because I had asked W to bring me and YN out for dinner tonight. I would feel guilty if I suddenly cancel of the appointment. Arrgghhhh, it put me in such a Dilemma. Finally, i hold on to my appointment. The next thing was, looking at the clock for time. Oh, it was time to bathe. By 6pm, I'm done. Now that i'm actually waiting for his call. By 7.05pm, he called me. Unfortunately, he had a family dinner at the same time. So, of course I said to him to go for his family dinner, which is more important. Although I did feel a bit disappointed. I weren't angry. Just plain frustrated that I had nothing to do. Moreover, I felt guilty causing YN to wait for him yet no dinner anymore! Luckily, YN had back-up plan. She called another friend of hers and wee~~ we're heading to Jusco for dinner and movie! A few moments later, W asked me out a supper. He must be feeling guilty for abruptly cancelled the appointment. So, i just offer if he wanted to join me for movies in Jusco. He did went to Jusco to meet me, but he opted to skip the movie part. Too late for him as he has to wake up early the next morning for work. I don't mind. So sweet of him to accompany me. I enjoyed it. Though he kinda trying to have body contact with me by rubbing his finger on my arms in a few occasions. He also praised me that I am pretty tonight. Besides that, we talked about his girlfriend in Russia, fragrance, daring me to lose weight and so on... Althought there was times when both of us fell silence, I still enjoy the moment a lot. Could this last longer? Can it happen again? So like I'm daydreaming... Last but not least, YN didn't buy movie ticket for me. He insisted on me to go watch. Despite that, I am in no mood to watch actually. I'm tired. My eyes were worse than a panda, i thought. I just wanted to have a good nice sleep. Hence, he sent me back. Well, in front of my hostel, there were people walking here and there. Unavoidable, Sharon and Sow Cheng saw me. Both of them wanted to verify. Okay, I am in no mood to deny. He did went to Jusco to meet me (although he was tired and kept yawning). But, so far, W and I are just FRIENDS. He never say anything more than that. People asked, your girlfriend? I don't see him denying it. Well, I just kepy insisting to my busybody coursemates that we are just friends. I do have some feelings toward him. I like seeing him. Though, I am not sure how he feels for me right at this moment. Does he likes me too? or maybe him and I just good friends? Sincerely, I hope I can know him more, be closer to him and wish for my hope will be answered soon. I hope. Will he?

Hope

I made the initiative to go LR to see him. Well, I think I’m making it very obvious. Although I had some cover-up moves. He did come to talk to me, however, I did not know whether it was just coincidently he walked out to find someone, then just saw me by chance and talked to me. I was like a lil’ blank every time I see him. Usually I’ll become tongue-tied! Idiot! Oh…

He asked me to have a dinner with him, a rush dinner as he was on-call yesterday. My heart wanted, but my mind kept telling me to reject him, as I want to know how much he wants me as his company. Is it he only asked me by chance as I meet him in the ward? Or is it he just feel lonely and simply asked me? Or maybe he did really want to have a dinner with me? She told me her opinion that if a guy really fond of me, he will ask me out again even if I had rejected him a few times. I mean, if HE really likes me, do ask me out again, my heart will melt! I’m not a stony-hard person. I’m just a girl. I think I have made so many moves that show I am fond of HIM. Pasar malam, ward, and lunch in Kompleks.

I just want HIM to make a few initiatives. Am I asking too much? Just Call me or message me. Keep my mind occupied. Everytime it was me who message or find him. I’m just a girl. To me, I think I am straight forward enough. I am fond of him. What? I think HE does have some interest in me, but I want to ask for more signs to confirm. Sometimes, I think he is so nice to everyone that I’m just one of it. Nothing special. Just plain sweet talks. IF it is really that case, I SHOULD quit missing HIM. It’ll be better just remain friends. Don’t waste my energy thinking about HIM.

I really wish I am a boy right now. I want to know how does a boy thinks and feels, especially in this kind of situation. But I’m just a girl. I just want to protect myself from getting HURT in the end. I’m not asking too much, am I? I really hate this part right now, because it leaves me hanging. Dilemma.

DO YOU LIKE ME? C’mon, give me some signs, because I like you too, it wouldn’t be so difficult to approach me. Otherwise, DON”T contact me no more, let me live peacefully… sigh~~

I am disappointed with myself. I think too much. Daydreaming. I put too high hope. I am too desperate! What’s wrong with me??!!

Undeniably, I do like him. I think of him whenever I am free. I think of the way he talked to me, his gestures and eye contact. I guess I just misunderstood his friendliness instead of liking me! I feel I am at lost now in a deep blue sea. I miss him. But I don’t think he does to me. It is just me, myself and I who wanted for more. I hope something better to happen. Maybe any signs and symptoms which shows I am right, in a certain way? Maybe he does have feeling towards me too? I hope. I wish. Will it ever happen? I want to stop myself from thinking of him now. What for if it’s only me alone… I hate this part right here! I just lost something I wanted so much. I feel so awkward! But I never regret any moment I talked to him. At least some sweet memories floats in my head. For me to mesmerize. I gotta stop this even though I don’t like it. For my own sake. Nobody can help me except myself. I feel myself very stupid and dumb. I am lost now. I feel bad!

I can’t stop thinking about him. Especially after meeting him yesterday in Jusco Bukit Tinggi with a girl named Sam. I don’t know. I felt Jealous. Am I crazy?? I think so. Yes. Him and I aren’t tied down together as boyfriend and girlfriend. So why do I feel so? Cause I like him. Crush. Sigh…. Every moment I keep looking at my handphone, wishing it will ring. Any message from him or maybe call? (worse) Everytime it was me to initiate to message him, waiting more than 12 hours for a simple reply. Stupid me. Like yesterday, I couldn’t control myself from messaging him about Jday. This time, I really really wish he will automatically, I mean initiates to contact me. Will he? The chances seems to be very small. Maybe I should just kill that thought! Sad case. I am so desperate. I feel so empty and lonely. I want to have a boyfriend, for me to love and to be loved. Will I ever get it? I’m not sure…

My mom asked me yesterday, does anyone interested in me?

That sparked my thought.... She meant the boy that accompany me to ward almost everyday. Well, I did told my mom about what's happening to me everyday, my findings, my cases, my feelings and so on. My mom is my best friend. No one can beat that. But still, there's not everything I can tell her. Sometimes, I feel very miserable cause I can't share the story with her. I can't tell her everything I feel. It is like bursting inside of me.... What can I do? Keep it within me, I concluded, is the best way.

What the heck it is about? What makes me so sick of myself? Haih...

I'm in the run of searching for my life partner, my "the other half" in another words. Undeniably, I'm attracted to the opposite sex especially when he is a good man, trustworthy and honest. Mom asked me before, what criteria do i set? Well, I want a clean-cut, genuine man with honesty and trustwothy. Is it too high my request? I don't think so. No matter what his job, where he works, the most important thing is that he loves me as I do to him. So far, nil~~

Sometimes, i'm fascinating about meeting my boyfriend, with him cudddling me, hugging and kissing me... It is so warm, I suppose... I wish it will come true. Especially when I saw other couples in the walk-way. I'm jealous for sure. I keep asking myself, when will it be my turn? I know myself, i'm not very pretty, short and plum. None in me that is attracting and outstanding. But i believe it will be my turn when someone discover who is me, inside me.... This ain't gonna be easy, maybe takes time too... Whatever, I'm daydreaming~~

Oh man, i'm finally back in hostel at HTAR again. IT is not a stranger to me, but still, I miss home. ~Home Sweet Home~~

I boarded the train last night at Wakaf Bharu Train Station at 7.10pm. The train was late. Both my parents sent me off. Oh yeah, the coach E4 was damn hot as the air conditioner was not on. After someone went to complaint, it was finally switched on. It was not very cold, but cool enough for me..I was sitting on my bed reading CLEO, the magezine bought in the evening. While reading, I finished off the Pita Bread mom cooked for me. IT was so nice and delicious. Oh, wish I can have more, it was so tasty. 2 hours later, about 9pm, I was a bit dizzy, as an effect of reading on moving vehicle. Hence, I put my self to sleep, though it was quite early still.

"Bum bum bi dam bum, bum, bi dam bum....disturbia~~~" my message alert tone rang, it was messages from mom... Then i went off to sleep again....

The next moment i woke up was already 8.30am. I was quite surprised that I slept for that long hours. A good and deep sleep. I felt so much more energized. After an hour, the train arrived at KL sentral. I went to 7-11 to bought 3 high 5 bread, then went to Pasar Seni LRT to take bus to come back to HTAR. The whole journey was quite smooth. About 10.30am i stepped into D110. My room. I cleaned and mopped the floor. Put my Yellow Blanket out under sun to let UV kills bacteria; same things goes to my bed sheet and pillows too. After that only I went to bath. I was quite smelly, I don't deny that. Haha....

I wanted to call my mom, but i postponed the thought after lunch. Coincidentally, my mom called me when i went to toilet to wash clothes. I called her, informing her my journey and that I arrived in HTAR safe and sound. I went to lunch in the dining hall alone. Luckily Khoon Sim came and eat and accompany during my meal time. Not so boring though...

Help, i can't access my own blog!!!

I always wish I can have a romantic or at least a nice relationship by the time I reach 21 years old. Just a trustworthy and honest guy who loves me and take care of me... It requires feelings... I know, i know, the more I wish, the more things won't happen to me.... It is always like that. I just can't explain why. Maybe GOD is playing games with me. I dont dare to go fortune-teller to ask for my romance. Because I afraid things will turned out bad. I mean~~not on the bright side. On the other hand, maybe i'm too fussy? nope, i don't think so. Not much guy friends around me. Am I too passive? Some quiet girls also able to attract the opposite sex. Why can't I when i'm more active and talkactive than them? erm, I know i'm not beautiful or possessing a slim and sexy body, i'm me! What's wrong with me??? THis thought have been jumping inside my head for quite some time. I never able to figure it out... Haih....

I changed my haircut, try on new style, hanging out with a differet group of friends who are more out-going and more male friends. But still, I'm always on the dark side. No one sees me, I wish i can be in the limelight. I mean, I want to try?! Anyway, I do not know what to say, just smile and stand a side. Cause I dont' have a thing which enable me to comment or participate! No beauty, not sexy, not knowledgable enough, dull, plum, short, not jovial and NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!

Am i too fierce to be approachable? maybe. That always become the first feedback i got when getting to know new people. I did try to change, to break the ice. More smiles... But i dont' like to fake it! Not me at all<<>

Haih...WHATEVER! i gotta keep my life goin on, to see more, to experience more, to play more, and keep searching. I will not give up. I know I shouldn't. LIFE IS COMPLICATED. nobody can deny that, it just depend on how you look at things from different perspectives.

~chao~

Well, I'm kinda new to this blogspot.com//

I like writing post, it is a way where i can express my feelings, to the extent of all those things that I hardly can tell others include my mom through verbal language!

I just finish my exam 2 days ago, which i thought was quite bad. My efforts all in med posting? All went into dust! It was not that i never did that examination before, but... I'm not well-prepared, which I should! I'm mad with myself. Although I can't do a thing about it now... I'm always like that, regrets came when it's already an end =.=

There is so many things in my head. I'm having palpitations and grasping for air when i woke up suddenly from my bed! Nightmares... Even eveningmares! Whatever~~ I'm thinking about my exam, my friends, my groupmates, my med posting which already comes to an end, my next future posting; my family, my search for the other half??? Haih, everything is so intense and I wish I can solve it immediately. But, my LIFE is just about to begin... Like I always say,"LIFE IS COMPLICATED!" We'll never know what will happen next... to make it short, Things never occur like what i expected or planned. That's why...