Parcel of LIFE?!

2010-09-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

WHAT I AM SEARCHING FOR...

I've been thinking over and over again, of my life.

What I have...now.

What I want...in the future.

What I need...for the rest of my life.

What do I expect...for my future career and relationship I am looking forward to.

What I afraid of...failure.

What I am avoiding...disappointment.

What I refuse to accept...I'm overweight.

What I anticipate for...a mutual relationship.

What I am concern for...my body weight and being single 4ever!

What I hate to think of...being lonely 4ever...I hope I will not be.

Take it easy. Your time is yet to come. You will ... someday ( seems so far away )

To be honest, I do agree that I'm am sort of a negative thinking person. I worries a lot. I think a lot. I am way too concern of what others think of me, and also think a lot of myself, not to the expectations I have targeted for myself.

Hence, I often got disappointed with myself. Mostly my mood is down and low because I got frustrated by my own self. I am the type who can laugh non-stop, can be easily triggered by a simple joke; but may not show the real me all the time. I'm trying not to fake-out my emotions to others all the time, although most of the time, my facial expressionsssssss showed everything!

I dont' feel like bothering others, especially those close friends around me.

I feel guilty for making others troubled by my own stupid thoughts.

Yet, I do agree that I am also the type who needs to spill my feelings out.

I am no longer young, to comment on my age. But I do think that I am still way too immature thinking. Still need a lot of helps and guidance by those wisely who always stand for me. Thanks so much for your suppports. I do hope I can be fully independent.

Another thing is, I am very childish in handling my emotions. My mood is always fluctuating.

I do realise that for my profession, I need to wear mask for my emotions some of the time.

It ain't easy to do that.

Last but not least, afraid of being lonely (from being a singleton 4ever) is one of my biggest concern. I do not restraint from the fact that I think of it quite frequently, especially when people around me kept reminding me that I need to find a boyfriend ASAP or else nobody will want to marry a doctor and so on... Hate to hear and think about it, but all those thoughts did bother me. I don't really have the guts to share it verbally, even with those who are very close to me, because I feel very insecure to say it. Everyone will sure laugh at me for my silly thoughts. That's what I think. Am I wrong? I hope I am...

As I step into adulthood, the more I am expose to all kinds of human politics and behaviours.

I am not comfortable to all kinds, but I do make an effort to adapt to them.

Again, it ain't easy.

I do realise that I concerned too much, that I make myself depressed at times.

I struggling to get out of it, when I conscious enough of what makes me miserable at that particular moments, in which I would say I'm not getting over it with ease.

I know I know, better not to think too much at a time...

but it is hard for me not to think about it...HOW?

What am I suppose to do if I don't even know how NOT to think about it too hard?

2010-07-17T05:55:00.000-07:00

Here we are again...Orientation time!

Supersenior, ni hao....

Oh man, I'm a supersenior now?! It's kinda hard for me to accept that actually. So fast, I'm already so "old". Anyway, I need to get used to it somehow. I'm anticipating also, in a way, to orientate the juniors, but in a proper way.

What do I mean?

Hmmmm, get to know them. But how to remember them? I don't even remember what I had studied for the past few hours, or even recall what the lecturers told us. Oh gosh...Obviously my mind is so congested. Anyway, I was given a task by Prof R to "psycho" the juniors, because they are the future doctors. Can they take the stress? Are they willing to? These include sacrificing the time, the playtime, the sleep time, one's physical and mentally and even psychologically health, just to serve the public as a doctor. It is not gonna be easy, even to try to talk to the juniors also difficult, based on the current situation in UM.

Spies are everywhere, just like in the movie. We're like locked up in a jail. haih...
This make me feel so sad not able to get to know the juniors. All I want to do is to talk to them, play with them, and giving them the hint to mentally and psychologicallly prepare them to face the future! Doctors might be JOBLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

ouch....it's hurt to hear that though...what to do? That seems to be the current trend in all hospitals in all states right now, exceptional case for Sabah and Sarawak, it seemed...

2010-03-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

Do I appreciate my learning here???

Friday was my last day posted in PICU. Right after CPC at 4pm, all five of us rushed there for attendance. As Prof. Lucy said, signature won't come cheap. I know that, anticipated for that since monday...

At about 5pm, suddenly there were 2 patients rushed into PICU. An indian girl with diabetic ketoacidosis and another indian boy who suddenly developed cyanosis on feeding. Situation was quite tense, as doctors and nurses all busy attending to both of them. Trying to get an IV access, taking the vital signs, providing oxygen, ambu-bagging the patients and etc. House-officers were busy clerking parents and guardians for thorough history and so on.

On the other hand, medical students were seemed to be obstructing movements of doctors and nurses by crowding around the beds. We want and need to observed the procedures, yet a bit lost what to do...( i mean myself). We were asked to smell the ketotic breath of the patient. We all did, but nobody ever take the steps to thoroughly examine the patient, especially vital signs, clinically. Then, we were also asked to count the fluid and insulin to be given. Fortunately, Prof. Lucy guided us. Next, count the corrected sodium and osmolarity. OOOHHH....forgotten the formula. They were all in physiology...

PP and I tried the internet, but without success, unfortunately. After that, a doctor had supplied the formula and counted whatever that was needed. Ouch, luckily. Thereafter, my attention was moving between the infant boy and the diabetic patient. Sometimes get a bit lost, sometimes amazed by the management done by the doctors, because I do not know what to do.

An hour later, patients had already stabilized. It was medical students' time to answer questions, in order to get signature for our five-days attendance. Dr. Gan seemed to enjoy the session he tortured us. haha... He asked all the simple basic calculations and values that required us to remember since 1st year physiology. I was correct, most of it, but my other colleagues seemed to be shocked by my answers. Well, they left me doubted my own knowledge and memory. I was confuse and immediately crashed my own confidence on the spur of the moment.

After 50 minutes of torturing, we were granted with cutie signatures and released.

I felt bad and guilty. Since friday morning. Did I appreciate my time in PICU? it was my only week with proper guidance there. Oh my goodness.... There were still tonnes of things which I couldn't remember. How can I ever best manage a patient if I don't even know the basic principles???

I tend to be influenced by others all the time. I want everybody else to agree with me. If not, I will shadow away my own thoughts, and follow others instead. That's bad! Where goes my confidence and principles??? I hate myself for that...

Am I so easy influenced by others because I am a gemini?
Am I that because of my attitude? behavior?

I don't know. Time is always not enough for me. I need to study, need to learn in ward, need to socialise. Oh, my adrenaline rush now urging me to get something sweet!

I am trying hard to utilise all the teaching sessions and guidance available for students here. However, something seemed to be "in" the way....
I'm trying hard, put my very best, really....

2010-02-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

Camouflage

What does that means?
= The act of concealing the identity of something by modifying its appearance.

Modifying our reactions to certain events,
in order to please the others,
preventing bad feelings,
avoiding rejections,
hate to see unhappy response from others,
thinking that "following" will make the flow of events smoother,
in the end,
feel bitter in the heart,
quietly suffer in oneself,
try to forget it,
just to feel better at the end.

It works sometime. Depending on who, where, what thing it is.
Lamenting, complaining, teardrops on both cheeks, mood swing, etc.....
All those helps to release the tension built up inside, occasionally.
Hiding ownself's feeling and mindful thoughts behind,
just like living in the shadow...

A genuine feedback from those who concern about,
really do helps and open the mind,
to things, small little things in the daily life,
which tend to be ignored/forgotten,
become obvious and important.

Standing up, face don't look downward onto the floor,
Eye contacts, and smiling face, cheerful expression, positive attitude,
Don't be afraid to freeze one's heart,
just to say NO sometimes,
just to share one's thought at a time,
don't think too much, but to accept the fact after expressing the thoughts that flow through the mind.
All these build one's confidence,
which is applicable to all daily life activities.

LIFE, there is so many unexpected events,
They don't come all at once, but in parcel...
It is not obvious for some reason, yet it brings so many lessons which can be learn into facing challenges for the rest of one's life.

Hence, is camouflage a good OR a bad thing?

2010-01-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

I've made my decision

After attended the CME on wednesday morning, I met up with HM to approach Prof. J at O&G department. She had gave us her advises and blunt comments on our programme. As a scientific commitee head, I was bombarded with questions and direct comments which I could not answer and explain the reasons.

Later on, I've called Ben to inform him regarding all those comments and ideas, I had broken down in dining hall. He debated and reasoning on all the points Prof. J enquired. Plus, with his tone and harsh voice, I could no longer hold myself on. My tears flowing down in a parallel streams on both of my cheeks. I heard he was mumbling on the phone, but I could not understand nor listen to his arguments.

Why the hell does he debate to me on the phone??? I just told him and conveyed the message to him. I asked some questions before, but did not get the required answers. Now that because it was Prof. J who commented, he one-shot telling me. But, I could not focused my attention to listen to all those crap, at the very moment! I was feeling very tense, very emotional (as I always am), helpless and disappointed.

As a reflex, my action was to stopped him.

"Why are you telling me all these on the phone now?! You should go and meet her and explain to her! Do you still want to meet her then?"

Well, I did that.

" I can't answer all those reasons you're telling. Because HM and I both do not know a thing bout it. All we did was to help you organise. You better meet her, are you goin to fight with her? argue? just meet her and explain!"

My voice change, my tone changed, I was very emotional and already on the edge of breaking down.

He sensed that, and immediately stopped his argument. Instead, he asked me to calm down. He just wanted to know what had Prof. J commented on, then he could conveyed the messages to futher discuss with Prof. Lee. That's all.

I ended the conversation.

More tears were flowing down. My eyes were red. HM was standing aside waiting. She had accompanied me walked back to room. She consoled me, that it was not our fault, since we're all amateur...

I appreciated her words, made me realise who appreciated my works, at least...

I sat in front of my table crying. All those images and conversation appears in front of me. I was late for OT, as I had promised JN. I need to stop all this tears. But, I need someone to listen to me, my words. YY not in, mom and dad were in the class teaching. I felt lost and lonely on the spurs of moments. I sprinkled my face with cold water to calm myself down. It did work a lil' bit.

After 20 mins, I had already stopped crying. But my eyes were swollen red. I still need to go to OT. I figured by wearing mask is much better to hide my reddish nose. Eyes, can't do anything.

I can't even put myself to share my story with JN without shedding tears in the OT. Dad called at the same time, I still couldn't speak regarding that matter. Instead, listening to dad's voice helped to calm me down partially. This is only a small matter indeed.

Hours passed by quickly. I told my roomie about it. Luckily she's so patience to listen to all my complaints each time. I personally thank her so much about it. It ain't easy to find roomie to share my feelings. I just need some ears to spur my heart out!

I slept to shun my mind of the incident in the evening. Maybe I' had been lack of sleep, that's was why I am so emotional. I guess....

After dinner time, mom called. I talked to her nearly 2 hours on the phone. She directly commented that I am so stupid in the first place to bear myself like that for weeks. I had trouble cooperating with teammates. Ignorance, avoidance and pretending. I hate it! I did not have the courage to speak face-to-face, plus, I do not want to fight, with somebody I need to continue working for the subsequent months. In addition, I had already lost my confidence in the whole things since 2 weeks ago. I did my job because I promised to.

In the end, I got my mom's support to resign from the committee. Since I was not happy. No point keep forcing myself to work under stress, who might not even appreciate my contribution. I had only realized I was really under stress, that it changes my mood and voice. Tension.

Now that I had the courage to be irresponsible, I must do it fast. I made an appointment to see face-to-face with Ben. I need to talk to him.

Next day afternoon, I got a phone call from him instead. He was outside and was unable to come back in time. I told him that I think I am incapable to perform my job properly, and my idea to resign. He only double confirmed my decision, and mentioned that it is best for me to continue, since the preparation for the conference is already 50-70% done. It was also kind of irresponsible to stop halfway like this. But since I had made my decision, He can't stop me. Then, the conversation ended. Short and precise.

The first thing that came to my mind was that, I was not important and appreciated at all!!!!

I had rushed here and there, putting myself under stress to run the programme. Yet, I was discarded so easily, with no effort to show appreciation to my contribution so far. He didn't even ask me if there's anything I would like to remind/handle my stuff to. I felt that I was running like a chicken without an aim, which eventually being thrown into the longkang by the end of the day!

One thing, I had no regret at all after I spoke to him.

Initially, I was afraid I would soften down and agreed to continue my job. Because I felt irresponsible to quit like that and fear of what others will think of me. I care what others look onto me. Every comments will strike my mind deeply. I mind what people says about me. I always do. But now, I don't care what He look upon me. He didn't even cares about me. Reasons I stopped? Am I okay? Anthing I would like to tell further regarding my arrangements on the programme?

Whatever, I had put down a heavy stone away from my mind and heart. I get rid of that responsibility. I know that my action is bad, for leaving halfway, me myself don't like this, because I hate people doin stuff with no ending. Yet, this time, it's different. I could not bear the whole thing myself, after all, my work was not appreciated at ALL!

3 days had passed, yet still no one to ask me regarding my progression for past 1 week regarding the programme. I only sent an email to the "faking teammates" containing lecturers' email addresses, just in case she need to approach them further.

I SEE THEM. Who at least shows some cares to me...

At least, I can look into the clear sky now...without the heavy burden dragging me for another few months. I better focus onto my academic, which determine my future, rather than forcing myself to work with people I hate and dislike, who doesn't appreciate my existence at all!

What a nice view~~~

2009-11-07T05:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I just feel so hard to pass another day...

Maybe now that I am quite free, no test is waiting for me for at least another 6 weeks. Moreover, it is a weekend..Saturday. Time don't flies as it's always do. I don't feel like doing any revision; but I am looking forward to something which is more fun and exciting, which may alleviate the boringness and meaningless time just sitting and daydreaming in my room. =P

Luckily, a friend called me out. It is nice to go out with friends. Just anywhere. I loved to. But it is not often that I get the chance to go out with friends, because I am more passive in this, in the sense that I don't have the mouth to "ajak" people to go out. I am a bad social organiser, in a way..haha...

Back to topic, immediately I'm "on"" with the invitation and asked another friend of ours to go together. Goin out without an objective, is so plain good. Yet, it turned out to be..erm..

It just happened that my friend (who asked me out), was in the middle of breakup. I do not know what to offer. This is because I do not have much experience in relationship kinda thingy... All I can do is be a listener. I hope it helps. Although, in the end, my friend still struggling through with it... what a sad case...and I am helpless to him...

Again, LIFE seems complicated in a way to me again, especially in relationship thingy. I never get a clear gist of it. It involves too many aspects, feeling, work-out, effort, approximity, forgiveness, sharing, mind-reading, and so on... On the contrary, I don't even know whether do myself will even fulfill all that that i had mentioned above, to my partner. I hope I will. Sensitivity is important as well. ow..so many things to consider in just ONE of the pathways down the road in LIFE.

In short, LIFE is Not too easy, not too tough, try to make it as simple albeit it does seems complicated at times...

2009-10-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Genuinely TRUE from the heart...

Just happen my last minor posting yesterday, my group had a Viva Voce session with Dr. Fadhilah, an ophthalmologist. She's quite nice in the end, cause she teach and psycho us.

It was a group viva, where we're paired into 3 in a group. So she started by giving a scenario to the first group on her left. Basic stuff, ocular emergencies, pharmacology and management of the patient. We're allow to listen and make notes. I realised I only know less than 50% after a 2 weeks posting in Ophthalmology clinic. Haih...

About an hour later, it came to my turn. I was in the same group with JN and Dila. We're given a case of patient with Diabetic Retinopathy. Dila had answered with confidence of the history part. My turn, I proceeded to physical examination. I was stucked with my own explaination for each step of examinations I am to perform on the patient. I was playing and twisting my blue pen, shaking my legs under the table, and delayed in giving answers by "erm....erm.....erm...".

Actually, I only realised I was shaking my legs and eyes rolling, in the mean while squeezing my brain juice to find the appropriate answers. My lecturer did not waited long, as she proceeded to ask JN further questions. After 20 mins of questioning, she stopped us and proceeded to the last group of boys.

During the session, when lecturer was waiting for my answer, she had commented to me, "do not feel afraid to answer the questions." I heard that. But, that was a too little too late, cause my turn had passed. No turning back.

After that, JN whad wrote some notes on a piece of paper.

There is something I want to tell you. Hope it can help you in your future.

1. You're playing with your pen during the viva session.

~ this shows you are nervous

~ you're not professional

2. During your presentation and seminar, you used "erm" a lot.

You should get rid of this.

I was stunned at the moment. Not because she was commenting on me, but because she was so observant. She quietly observed me, now that she told me what was wrong with my actions. I was actually touched. I never realised I had used "erm" a lot... that's bad, cause I am so not confident. Well, as a matter of fact, that is very true. I am not confident, especially when talking and speaking in front of people. I know that her words are truthful and sincerely beneath from her heart.

I admired her truthfulness, as well as her confidence. She can speak so well as during presentation. I always loose mine when many eyes staring at me. I suppose that is when I started to "erm....erm...," and so on. I am happy cause I have a TRUE friend who can pointed out my weaknesses and give me advice on them. This is because not much friends who actually be so truthful.

On the other hand, I bumped into my chronic illness again....lack of confidence.

I do not know where can I search it, in the books? in the mirror? in the closet? in my brain?

I am lost... but at least i find solace that I still have friends who speak to me~~

2009-09-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

LIFE, is something we can't predict, am I right???

For this Raya holiday, I am so lucky that my parents drove all the way from KB to KL to fetch my brother and I to home, as well as the way back from home to KL for school reopening. Just because I search for the ticket too little too late, either it was sold out, or too expensive that costs over a thousand and five hundred!

I went back on friday, after lunch, with my brother waiting inside my room since morning. Don't ask how he got into my girl's block~~ My parents arrived about 3pm after they tour about from Damansara to KL (of course, after missed some junction, as usual...). So, we're five, on the way to Genting to spend a night there for vacation after my booking confirmed. All of us enjoyed ourselves there. Mervin got his chance to play with those machines which eat tokens; Mike had his own date with his friends who worked there; I got to play with my brother and my parents; my parents, take their own sweet time to tour around Genting after so many years. Both of them are not casino-goers, so, basically, just shopped around.

The next morning, after breakfast in the room with some bread and paos my parents seludup from the breakfast hall in the First World Hotel, we went for a walk separately. Mike, Vin and I walk together; while mom and dad went for "pathology". We met up about 11am, where it was the time my bro, bought two cute dummy-puppies. Just for fun. Then we went to check-out before 12noon. From there, we went to the Chin Swee Temple located on the way down the Genting Hill. Finally we get out from Genting by 1pm.

After we stopped at Bentong for lunch, dad let Mike drove all the way back home. It was total absurd that the traffic hardly move at all from Bentong-to-Raub. At least 3 accidents that halted the traffic. But after Raub, the journey was smooth. We reached home at 11pm the same day. Obeyed the speed limit, with patience and lots of cars.

A week flies so fast just by a blink of eyes! Home-cooked meals, chit-chatting with mom and dad, downloading to the fullest with high-speed internet connection at home, tour-guide to friends who visited Kelantan, watch my favorite MTV, went for a >RM300 shopping-spree with mom and so on... My sleep-time is much more better compared to the last trip back home, at least I don't wake up too early for some days, haha...

By Friday night, I checked all those stuff and packed into my luggage bags. Mainly food stuff. As if I am going to closed myself up in a cave with no contacts at all for 2 weeks! haha... I hardly sleep as I intended to spend more time accompanying my mom that night. Both of us slept at 2.30am.

My alarm rangs, but I shutted it off without a second thought. It was my mom who woke me up. By 5.15am, we all waiting inside the car for a friend of Mike to join us along. Hence, by 5.30am, we're on the way down town to search for a heavy breakfast. Well, too early and it was a Saturday weekend, no stall opened. So my dad decided to delayed our breakfast to Fox's Cave (Gua Musang). Along the way, everyone fell asleep, except for my dad, luckily he slept early the night before! It was misty, that I can hardly see enjoyed the scenary beside the highway.

Water-chicken porridge and pan mee. Breakfast delicacies... Belanja by dad's "old-friend" there who smoked pipe.

I took over the driving part from Fox's cave to Bentong. I was tired and lack of sleep. I could feel I swayed a few times. Depending on the rock music to wake me up. My parents sensed that, as they both are experienced drivers. After a lunch at Bentong, My dad drove. I gave the guide to Mike's college with the help of Garmin X mobile. Well, I wasted too much battery life as light-up clock last night, my phone died on the way to Mike's hostel. There, everyone waited 30 mins for my phone to charge-up, as we need it to guide the way to my hostel in UM.

I could see the tired faces of my parents. Yet, I can't help them much at this time for they have to continue driving all the way back to Kelantan. They didn't utter any complaints. Just kisses and huggings from them before they left me beside the dining hall. I ran to the other gate to send them away, too little too late, I only waved goodbye to the tail of my mom's blue WIRA. I stood there for quite a while. I'm sure there was some wrinkles and sparkles of tears floating in my eyes, I wonder anybody who is so busy-body to laugh at me... =P

Then, I went back room alone to unpacked. I found my 平安米 which was given in 天后宫 weeks before when I prayed there. I was supposed to bring back home to cook it. I forgotten to take it out. Oh... Again, I prayed for the safety of my parents trip back home. The day was becoming darker. I cleaned and mopped my room, took a bath and ate the coffee bread which was a product handmade by my mom~~ So nice and soft. So delicious. So homely. So mommy~~

I received a few messages from mom. I was quite exhausted from the whole day trip, well, not much compared to my parents. What more that they have to drive the way back home. I waited for their call. Yet, I fell asleep too fast that I even missed my mom's calls twice just before midnight. When I woke up the next morning, I tried to call mom and home, no reply. But I know they'd arrived home safely, a sound from deep inside my heart. Then I called dad after lunch.

"We reached home at 4am in the morning, so many cars and accidents as well.."

"What? Are you all safe, our car no scratch? Where's mom, I can't reach her since morning..."

"Oh, she went to school. She insisted though she had not much good sleep yesterday. Our car is okay, we all safe and sound. Just remember not to drive at midnight next time, it was so dangerous...Cars and buses over-taking so furiously. An accident just happened infront of us. A car from the opposite way just hit our direction and crash into a big truck in front of our car. Your mom drove that time. So lucky we're able to break and we immediately continue the journey after that. I called the ambulance but we did not got down to the scene as it was dangerous stopping at the selekoh there. Don't drive at night, it is so dangerous...."

By 8.30pm, mom finally returned my call. She described the whole journey to me and again, reminded me not to drive in the night, so dangerous that it scares both of them. So lucky that my parents and Vin arrived safely at home.

Namo Amitabha~~

My parents are so great in the way they care for us, their children. They are willing to sacrifice their sleep and time to rest just for us, kids to get home safe. I believe every parents do the same to their children. It just depend on us, the new generation to realise it and love them in return. No money and property can show all that. CARES weighs much more. The time spent with them, home-calls, slight touch, hugs and kisses on the cheeks will do. "Actions like touching parents hands for 5 seconds are much more better and worth the love inside our hearts than 5 minutes talk". This I quoted from an advertisement years ago on the television. It is so meaningful that I remember it until today.

I am growing, into the adulthood, into the reality, into this cruel world, away from home, away from my parents' protection boudaries. I am forced to be independent. All on my own. Tears have shed and scars all over my body. I am gaining experience in life as I go through every step in it. Challenges are adventures that I am about to explore. I know my parents are always there to support me. I missed my mom and dad so much right now...tears are flowing down my cheeks as I think of them, here alone in the hostel room, so far (approximately 512km from home)...

2009-09-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

~AnAestheSiOlogy PosTiNg~

What have I learnt so far?

It is a blessing in disguise that my batch has such an opportunity to undergo clinical practice in this Anaesthesiology posting as medical student. It is an exposure which helps to "open my eyes" to this specialty. I learn drugs, forcing me to revise all those first year theoritical subjects that I had already dumped it back to my lecturerS in the first year, as well as second year. Physiology and Pharmacology are important. Mechanism of action, duration of action, contraindication, indication, side effects, route of administration, delivery, metabolism, elimination and etcetra....bla bla bla~~

What so ever, I really enjoyed myself for the whole 2 weeks although it is quite "mental-consuming". Most of the time spent was in the Operation theatre. I observed how the Anaesthetis prepared the sedation, injecting into the patient, followed by rapid sequence induction, then intubation and close monitoring the vital signs of the patient....

The process is throughout the operation. It is not what I was told last time. It was different.

Years ago, I was told that Anaesthetist's job was very "kacang"! After the patient was sedated, he can go read newspaper, play hp games, online, and so on...However, here and now, what I observed was that he must keep an eye on the patient all the time. Especially the vital signs. Blood pressure, temperature, respiratory rate, heart rate, and adequate analgesia (by MAC=minimum alveolar capacity). Although he may sit down and relax, he still has to monitor the patient closely. THe responsibility is there. It was totally contrast to my understanding towards Anaesthetist.

Hey man~~ don't play play k???!!!

"The patient's life is in your hand, ok? Do you get me?"

ONce the patient was sedated pharmacologically, he or she may no longer control his own respiration, which means his respiratory system went into collapse when he was fully sedated. That is the side effect of the drug. Hence, he may no longer feel pain, no sensation, loss of motor function/control, loss of consciousness and even amnesia. It is the Anaesthetist who is controlling and aiding his ventilation by intubation and providing oxygen supply. The patient is in total helplessness!!! wow....

2009-08-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

~A New GOAL~

It was quite a time since I last post a blog. Time flies in just a few blink of eyes. I am now into my 4th year of study, which is phase IIIB. I can hardly believe that I am going to graduate very soon! Though it will be year 2011... Haha... I consider it fast because all those tough examination "drag" my view on years of studying medicine.

Since I knew that I passed my phase IIIA examination, as well as all four of my close friends passed along with me, I am so relieved. ALthough I did not felt much excitement, I just knew that I had dumped away the heavy stone within me which had bother for weeks. I carried on. What else do you expect me to? I went home, being a tour guide to my "sisters" back in my hometown; attended my buddy's convocation dinner; my second college's seniors' convocation dinner; and lastly, enjoyed myself to the fullest in Bali Island for 4 days.

There, we 3 girls with Sharen as the leader most of the time, backpacking mostly at Kuta Beach. I guess, I gotta post another blog on my tour in Bali. Hehe... Too long a story.

By the time I came back, I only had a day to rest. Then my minor posting began, which is Anaesthesiology. Now that the first week of the posting had passed, I guess I enjoyed it although I was obviously tired mentally as well as physically. I had stopped practising my yoga for weeks now. Everyday in this week was so packed the schedule. However, now that I found CH as my partner to ward, I am able to find myself enjoying the posting. We had little to study, basically only lecture notes, but we spend our time inside the OT and becoming the observers besides getting the practical knowledge from those experience MO.

I am so thankful that I had met few good and kind doctors during this posting. Especially I had some interest in it even before I get into my clinical years. Dr. Vasanthan, Dr. Loo, Dr. LeeMF, Prof.Gracie, Prof YKChan had succcessfully increase the depth of my interest into the field. However, there is still a long long way for me to go before I can decide to follow the route they introduce to me. Yet, a GOOD beginning is always important, right? They make me feel that Anaes is interesting and fun and crucial in order to sustain life in different aspects. As a human, every body has the right to be pain-free. So here is the role of analgesia and anasesthesia. As a matter of fact, I even realise that many patients and procedures depending on it, without me realising it much earlier. I bet many people don't as well. In contrast, I am quite ashamed that I had forgotten all my physiology and pharmacology that I had learnt during my first and socond year. Well, on the bright side is, I still have the chance to revise it as much as I could, because the advantages of me being still a medical student (MS) after all!

Besides that, sit-down talks with Prof. Chan and Dr. V had me open my eyes to a few things in LIFE. Because that is what I always bother about. LIFE.

Prof. Chan gave me a quotes for me to hold-on, as she came to it by experience, which is 4L and 3e.

LIVE, LEARNING, LOVE, LEGACY, ENTHUSIASM, ENERGITIC, AND ... EXPECTATION

On the other hand, Dr. V had advised both of us that the learning time for MS is not only during office hours. THe longer you stay in the ward, the more you learn. Because nowadays experience of a doctor the society expecting is based on skills on the practical aspects. Knowledge alone from the text books is inadequate. This makes me more motivated to go to ward more frequently. Luckily, CH is a hard-working student, as compared to a much more lazy me.. Hence, I have a friend who is able to push me to be more hard-working, why not? ALthough I have to sacrifice the time for being able to laze around even during the weekend! hoho....

After the experience I had in Emergency Department today, I found that there's too many things that I don't know. Especially in an emergency setting, I found myself standing there do not know what to do. I was stunted. Do not know where to begin with. I was asked to set IV line, yet I can't find a proper vein. At least I was able to take blood sample.

Haih...everything comes with practice! undeniably!!!

I told myself from now on, I have to study smart and practice more. Be more confident and more calm. I mean, not that I had study stupid for the past years, but now that I have less and less time to revise everything from the beginning... I know that I always been telling myself to be confident and calm, yet, I still couldn't handle it well. I always think too much that I can't make decision well but only wasting precious time thinking and considering.

I know, everything comes with practice and experience. Again and again~~

~YO~

2009-08-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

~Exam Finale Phase IIIA~

HOrrible, Terrible, Vegetable!!!

Although the time spent in Klang for approximately 10 months there were splendidly nice and beautiful, it ended with more than a month of torturing moments...

HOwever, I never with I can turn back time. I love all those memories in Klang. Freedom, fun and new experiences. There, I only have to bear with myself and my coursemates. Basically, I spent most of the time with my groupmates. They are all really fun and adorable! Each and everyone has their own characteristic and attitudes. Though, not all that I like.. But, humans are born not to be perfect right>? So do I. It is quite hard to imagine that with my groupmates, I had storage photos with them of more than 5 gigabytes! Increadible huh? Well, some include taking photos of food stuff and some scenary views. Nonetheless, it was still quite an amount, don't you think so? So nice. I really hope my friendship with my groupmates will maintained good even though we go back to UM and again, being separated into different smalll groups. More over, I'll only meet and see my coursemates everyday, although kinda boring, but still, no responsibility holds. Free!!! just 38 sometimes, as a few couples were born there. ><

On the other hand, there were moments of ups and downs in my life over there as well. Times that I need to struggle with studies and some "stupid stuff". LUckily I had already got over it, although it took me quite some time. Whatever... Some was just my own wild imagination. worthless to mention it anyway! ><

Not to forget a few young doctor HO that I got to know in Klang hospital, I miss them!

They were so nice to me. I learnt a lot from them indeed. Maybe those were just trivial stuff, but to me as a new fresh medical student, it was exciting! I loves clinical experiences. It is always fun and exciting. This is because every patient presented to you is totally different human being with different behavior and different complaints. This complicate our diagnosis. But that is the challeging part that I love! I never deny that studying and in the effort of absorbing all those information of diseases into my tiny useless brain is an ultimate level 100 difficulty task --> It just happened after nights of burning midnight oils. In another word, hard work. I am so much more indulge in my books and notes compared to my own first and second year studies. I am more dedicated and interested. Well, it is the clinical part that i like. *wink wink*

Time flies, so fast that I don't realise that I lose it. Just a few blinks and laughters ends my joyful moments there. I found myself began thinking of those horrible facts of passing final examination of phase IIIA. I scared as I saw a senior who seemed to be so much hardworking failed and had to repeat the whole phase IIIA in Klang. I mean, not to discriminate her, but it is a fact of life that each and everyone of us who are still in Phase IIIA should know. Passing is no JOKE! After rounds and rounds of eavesdropping, PASSING is not hard yet no simple. Paper 1&2 are basically testing ur memory capacity as well as knowlegde; Paper 3=OSCE is a paper that require your adrenaline shoots to the level of making you sweats and running all the way from station 17 to station 1! funny huh? running like wild babies without knowing what comes next in the exam hall... Lolx..><; Paper4 = long case presentation. This had put so much tense to my roomie, although my exam was earlier,but she seemed to be much tense compared to myself. I don't know why. Erm...among all the papers, OSCE is the one I frightened most! May god bless all of us.... Nam mo Amitabha....

Oh yeah, forgotten to mention, in mid of preparing our finals, my whole batch were forced to move back to UM 6th college just 2 weeks before examination. Imagine, I had to pack everything up and unpack everything in 2 days. Tiring and exhausting. Wasted 2 days for not being able to concentrate well to study. I don't blame, just lamenting....><

Exam week passed by in just blinks of eyes. Sour and bitter taste that most of us had was after OSCE paper. So difficult and so unexpected. What to do? WHo ask me not to be more hardworking during first and second year? even third year in Klang??? Play and jolly too much dy!

Another painful part is the period of waiting for result. This is the first time in my life that I stayed back in college "lepak'ing" just for that purpose. The previous 2 years, i just packed myself up in the last day of exam and runned back home. Never look back. However, this time, I waited. So as most of my batchmates. We're all too frightened to go home.

Last but not least, I wish everyone pass smoothly. Not to mention some maybe with distinction. But not to be greeedy right? Just be happy and contented with what I possess right now. My eyelids almost shut now....sleeping time!

night night!

2009-05-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

WHERE GOES MY MOOD???

Another 2 months to go for final exam, yet, I'm still struggling hard searching for my study mood! What happen to me? OMG, exam is just around the corner, but my mind still drifting away to some other places each time I sit in front of piles of books on my table.

Why? WHy?? WHY???

Help!!! I can't afford to continue this way. But it is so hard to force oneself to study if the mind and soul are not here!

HOw???

2009-05-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

~CHOICES I MADE~

Now that I have almost ended my third year study in UM, as a medical student, I am so glad that I'm able to struggle through those torturing exam days. Looking back, I have never regret. Not even for a minute.

Because? This is my choice. I made it 3 years ago, and I love it, although it ain't easy.

Today, on the way back to Klang hostel, I had met 2 middle-aged ladies at the airport. Both of them seemed to be quite amazed when I revealed I'm a medical student. The first one is a grandmother, where she expressed herself being so envy of current education system in Kelantan where the competition is high, as seen through her grandchildren's studies. On the other hand, another lady who has married to an Indonesian Chinese businessman she met when she went US to study years ago, kept asking me the education system in local university as well as private college such as Taylor. She meant to send her only daughter to study here when she finish her O-level 2 years later. Well, she was quite rich, from the way she expressed herself. She's quite friendly though. Oh yeah, I am not boosting myself in the airport, but only upon asking by those 2 ladies mentioned above ;P

In addition, they also mentioned a bit on current hot biz H5N1 influenza which had invaded Malaysia 2 days ago, brought by a local student studying abroad in US. This is worrying everyone, everywhere. Yet, just like the headlines in NST, this is not deadly virus, yet people are so concern about it while on the other hand, the flu that is pandemic through out these few decades which killed more than 25,000 people per year globally are not being put as headline. Confusing huh? I guess so for most people. Plus, there is also an outbreak of meningitis in the west coast claiming few lives. Anyway, in short, all we have to do is maintain cleanliness: handwash, cooked properly, avoid too crowded area. Prevention is better than cure. Agree???

Back to topic: my choice, my study, my course, my life.

I will be completing 60% of my study after passing my "coming soon" Phase IIIA final examination in end of July. Genuinely, it is not hard, yet not easy. I think the same apply to all other courses like dentistry, pharmacy, engineering, architecture and so on. All we as students should do are putting our hearts into study, make ourselves love it and be hardworking. Everyone on earth is blessed with a brain and different level of intelligence(exception to those who are mentally retarded) . Hence, just make use of it. Once I make a decision, it meant a lot to me because it bother me especially its effects fore and after. But, in this case, choosing this course is cooL( to me...). Although it caused me to have insomnia and palpitation occasionally, I never lament or complain about it. I am gonna bear with it until the end of my life and the rest of my life. I believe my determination and will are sailing along with me these years as well as in the future. No regrets.

Just like everyone else, I am struggling. Aiming to graduate proudly and live my life! Year 2011 is coming soon and I am so so looking forward to it already.

2009-05-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Obesity and weight control

Nowadays, the above problems are very common among our society as fast food restaurants are mushrooming in these few years. Well, not to blame on those fast food, our society's standard of living has increase a lot. Hence, the nutrition that the children and younger generation depend on has also change. Everyone wants it quick and tasty. So the most common is McD, KFC, A&W and so on. We ate tonnes of chicken, beef, fish and others yet the amount of vegetable and fruits consume has increase not much if compared to the intake of meat.

Me? I am obese, as according to the table given by health ministry. My BMI is over according to Asian standard. I know, I am short and plum, I should not eat so much. Haih, but that's me. I used to eat to enjoy and even when I am sad. Falling ill doesn't reduce my appetite. I love to eat. Yet, I am not active in sports. That explain why I am obese.

To tell the truth, I try to reduce my calorie intake, but not much effect seen. I still have my belly with me. Spare tires, from 3 increase to 5 layers lately. Paise... I always give many excuses just to avoid sports. In contrast, I still lament a lot of my weight.

Guess my major cause is I do not have the determination. As a matter of fact, I am lack of it!

2009-05-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

Why mother is so special:

When I came home in the rain,

Brother asked why didn't you take an umbrella.

Sister advised, Why didn't you wait till rain stopped.

Father angrily warned, only after getting cold, you will realize.

But Mother, while drying my hair, said, stupid rain!

Couldn't it wait, Till my child came home?

~That's MOM~

That's how special most of the mothers in this earth, including our mother earth! They provide the best for us, with love, with warmth, with passion, with food, with shelther, with clothes and not to forget, education. Every best thing that they can find will always be prioritise to their children. How great they are!

My beloved mom, she is great and nice. I love her so so so much! Since young, she has been nurturing be with great care and give her best to me. She patiently educate me until today, and this here I am, currently studying in a local public university. When I first went out to KL to study, she cried a lot as she and I were separated far away and will not see each other often. Yet, now that I came back home whenever there is holiday, I can see such lovely cheerful smile on her face. We hugged and embraced each other. I think that is far more better than buying her products.

Mom is getting older, and so am I. I wish I can graduate smoothly and work and take care of both my parents and my grandfather well. Just like what they did for me. This is my responsibility. Spending precious time with family is crucial as it can make everyone of us feel more closer to each other. Especially this year's mother's day. My dad purposely celebrated it twice because my brother, mike and I came back home on different time. We enjoyed every moment of it.

Everyday can be Mother's day, or Father's day.

As long as we appreciate and be grateful of what we have, everyday is special~~

2009-05-14T11:49:00.001-07:00

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

Sleeping late and waking up early to study had been my routine for the past few weeks. This is in fact because of my last minute study plan. I drank a lot of coffee and had suppers which contributed to my weight gain. Haih... Who to blame? me.

Even everytime I am home, I still have the same problem. This is because I want to utilise all the precious time I have at home. Full time internet access and mtv channels, and being indolence worth more than a king's ransom. That explain the reason why I am still deprive of sleep even though I am at home all the time. I am weird, don't you think so? Well, I just cherished every moment I have to lays around and do whatever I like, and spending time with my parents and family.

Guess I'll just pay the sleep debt when I'm back in hostel. Especially in the weekends. That's what I have in mind right now. Who knows what will happen in the next minute? I don't get tomorrow's newspaper today. No worry. OOPppss, I have to be worry, my study!

Lastly, I think it is time for me to go for a good sleep. Good night and good morning! ;P

2009-05-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

ON PLANNING AND TAKING THE NEXT RIGHT STEP!

Again, my final exam for phase IIIA is coming very soon. Anticipating and thinking about it is absolutely making me feel very nervous. This is because I am not ready for it at ALL!

Lately I had been spending a lot of my time on social functions, such as friends' birthday celebration and so on. Of course, I enjoyed myself. No need to doubt either, that I ate a lot and gained weight very fast. As usual, I could not control my food intake because I love them! My discipline and determination were not strong enough. I wish I can do better than that. No regret though, as it were all my choices. I did not want to miss those chances of being with my friends. Laughing and talking out loud with each other were very pleasurable and fun. Every moments counts and each of it had its very own unique memory in mysterious part of my brain. Moreover, my hobbies of snapping photos helped me saved time from the need to write and tell everything that I had done. When, Where, What, Why and How? All these could be answered by just looking in those photos I had taken. If I am not mistaken, there is a quote with "A picture tells thousands of words" which is very genuinely TRUE! ;P

Back to my main concern, my study. I am a medical student in a public university in Malaysia. I am so lucky that I am here today in this place. I have done so many things in the past 2 and a half years. Variation of activities eg. Dancing competition, swimming team ( out of no where for a beginner with such heavy body like Elephant ), Dota competion organiser, being a PR in GACC ( during first year ), chess competion ( although my skill is erm....hehe, you guess la! ), and etc. Looking back at those times, I am so so so so contented! My and mine university life. I termed it as "colourful and fun and lively". Well, that is my interpretation. I have fulfilled my goal of leading such a life since I was in secondary school. Yay~~

Regarding the coming soon finale, I am scared and nervous. I really hope worrying about it won't back my acne get worse. I can't bear it. It really blows my inferiority complex ;( Although I am sure I handle it well better than last time, the feeling is bad still. I can't explain it in words. But it is BAD. Haih... What to do? I don't know. What ever, final is what I have to face anyway. There's no way I can escape from it!

Now that, my group mates and I have just formed a small study group to utilise and enhance our output learning after being "psycho" by our latest lecturer Dr. Wong. He is a man with experience as he used to be in the same place same shoe with us. The whole 2 weeks he was teaching us the basic principles and repetatively emphasized on importance of effective output learning. Actually, the other lecturers and seniors also stressed on the same thing, yet, I took no action because I don't have the mouth to ask! Haih, that's the problem with me. COurage.... Hence, there is four of us girls now. We're making deal among ourselves to clerk cases and present to each other. Then discuss upon it. Making use of or own knowledge and pushing each other harder to study. It is a drive for me to work hard. It is true. Finding a correct working partner is also crucial. Just like ZK, she is a hard-working girl with beautiful pair of legs and skin. I admire her. It was my pleasure to have her as my working partner for the past 2 months of medicine posting. We looked for cases and sometimes clerking, doing short cases together. We have been practising presentation to each other. We accepted both parties comments and so on. If she had not being my partner, I guess I'll probably spend most of the evening lays around in my room doing nothing. Thanks, ZK.

I only have 2 months left. Somehow, I have to push myself to study more and effectively. Before this, I always give excuses of being "no mood". Now that I can't afford to do it anymore, I just have to make myself study no matter how. I need ideas to refresh myself. Anyone? Any idea you want to share with me? Feel free to talk to me through email or messenger or whatever. thanks. My goal is to graduate proudly as a doctor. So that I can prove to my teacher and people that used to doubt and laugh at me when they first got to know I study med! I want to move on and return to PJ. Klang hospital is a nice place to learn for beginner like me. I don't love it but I appreciate those patients who are willing to teach and help us students. It is such a good opportunity to practice.

Hence, in a nutshell, drilling and practising at the same time is a must for ME. No more excuses I can give. Plus, study. I need to add in more information to strengthen my basic, as a compensation of the little study time that I had during my first and second years in 2nd college. I just have to trust my own guts and uphold my determination of becoming a GOOD doctor.

~Believe in myself~

2009-04-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

ON ENJOYING A WEEKEND SOMEWHERE CALLED 'HOME'

Here it comes, my weekends. I've planned ahead of me to visit my grandaunty's house here in Taman Esplanad, Bukit Jalil. This was since a month ago because the plan had to be postponed until now as I had exam now and then. Hence, I just give my polite aunty Monica a message,and here I am now, in a warm and cozy three-storey corner lot terrace house in Bukit Jalil.

I arrived about noon time after they had fetch me in HTAR at 10am on Saturday. Since then, I ate and talk and ate and talk non-stop. I really enjoy myself to the utmost here. HOME! Although I haven't seen them in years, to count actually, but they really treat me nice. I actually feel more comfortable then going to my uncle's house. I already cancel of my mind that I might feel awkward staying here since I have not contact them for so long.

Home-cooked meals, family talks and playing around with my cousin Princess Vicky. She misses me a lot as claimed by her mom. Well, she kept all those cute emails i sent her. She listen to what I said. Maybe indirectly I have become her role model, as she is inspired to become a doctor. Well, I don't mind that, in fact, I'm proud of myself at some point. But I can't be cocky right? It is just a small compliment from my aunty. I promise to myself that I will play my part in return. Try to give some advices to vicky, eg. Consume more vegetables and so on... I may not come their house too often, as my finals are approaching soon.. But, I'll try my best, although I also do not want to bring them trouble for fetching me from Klang. Quite far. It is more convenient if I'm staying in UM, 15 minutes drives with no traffic jam. Can be consider, right?

I try to spend most of the time with them, talking and sharing, and play with Vicky. She's a single child, so I guess she is boring sometimes. I put aside my Occupational health for days now. Sad thing is, I'm going to have my OH exam on 22nd April, which is very soon. Die! How am I suppose to memorize everything in such short time??? Moreover, I do not what is the style of my new lecturer Dr.Syaridah or whatever la...

Anyway, this is my choice. Dividing time is always a challege to me. Study, relatives, play time, preparing for finals and whatsoever! I'm in dillemma and that already waste part of my time having to plan about it properly.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I will call it a day until here. ~YO~

2009-04-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

Here I am, coming to think and worry about the same thing again and again...

My study, my life, my future life, work prospect, my elective, my holidays and my own choice!

So many things.... All these put me into dilemma actually! Can I balance these out? I mean my time to work, and play. Play hard and study smart! Do you realise where's the emphasize? Play always come first to me. No matter where I'm going, although maybe I look to be kinda serious sometimes, I do think and plan about PLAY. It is essential to life. We need it, I need it. I need it because it helps to destress me, reduce my acne problem and lessen my burden into cosmetic care! No la, the utmost importance is it makes me more confident because I am able to lift my head up high and face the world. That is the best! Study? This is my future. I want to settle myself down to a good one, live comfortably, doing things I love, helping others as much as I can, lessen the pain of those who suffer, that's my goals. People around me happy, I will be happy.

Save the earth! another issue to think about right now. Reduce the use of plastic bags, don't by stuff you don't need, recycle as much paper, plastic and glass bottles, aluminium cans and so on... I try my best and play my role as much as I can. I bring my own paper bag to night market to buy food and fruits. If possible, I don't use plastic bag. Alternatively, use it as much time as I can before it torn off or being thrown away finally! Hehe...

My social life...This is a major issue to me always. My friends around me. I can mix around, but sometimes I get irritated and can't stand them no more. I not sure whether is it always my attitude problem or is it theirs??? I ask my roommate a few times before, and she had reassured me. I can speak. But I'm not good at breaking the ice. Especially with guys. It is hard for me to make the moves to join them always. Unless there are someone else going along, I'm on. But for me to initiate a gathering or whatsoever, it is hardly. RARELY. I'm shy. I don't have the mouth to ask people to bring me out for movies, to yum cha, to shopping or whatever. Maybe this is partly due to the fact that I don't like to trouble others. So many reasons la...

Anyway, I always come to the same conclusion. Life is complicated! Time flies, i'm aging, things change, people change, life goes on~~

2009-04-02T01:41:00.000-07:00

With a high hope i went to the ward, thought of clerking a female patient who probably having alcoholic liver disease. There i went, right after my lecture.

I walked there alone, as my partner was't coming to ward this evening. I saw there's one girl about my age sitting on the edge of the bed with a middle-aged lady on the bed, which was supposed to be my patient's bed. I began looking for the case file, as to confirm first. Yup. She was assigned to me as my patient. Hence, without wasting much time, I began my interview session. Most of the questions were answered by the daughter of my patient. Certain specific questions had to be translated to Tamil before my patient could answer me. Well, maybe she don't really understand BM well, though living in Malaysia for years...

As I inquested more, I was understood she was electively admitted for oesophaealgastroduodenoscopy (OGDS). Nevermind, I kept asking.What disappointed me the most was, she did not have any signs and symptoms alcoholic liver disease except for jaundice! No vomiting, no nausea, no hematemesis, no epigastric pain, no hypochondrium pain,no changes in urine colour,no melaena, no pruritus and etc... She totally complaint of nothing even for her previous admission but only jaundice! That's all!!! Moreover, she even claimed to just being a rare drinker. Last time was 3-4 years ago. The most she only drank no more than 1 small glass. Then?? How to come to the diagnosis? Why did they perform OGDS on her? She had no complaint of vomiting blood or whatever. In addition, her daughter said during the first scope, there was a few injury sites found and medication was given. Her mother had her second scope done where no more injury was found and medication was stopped. This time was only to check for any injury in the tract again. Nothing else.

My goodness sake, then why do they wrote in the admission book that this patient has alcoholic liver disease? I couldn't find any evidence to support that so far. Nevermind, I keep it within myself after about 20 minutes of asking questions which the answers were always NO. I proceeded with P/E. No positive finding except for scleral jaundice! Haih... Don't know what to say...

Then I met a colleague of mine. I told him my finding as he planned to do P/E on my patient too. Coincidently, an indian doctor was about to perform a femoral catheter on a sepsis patient for hemodialysis. I got interested and stuck there. By the way, the doctor also asked both of us to do abdomen examination on the patient after that. So there I stood watching and listening and memorizing what the doctor explaining.

In and out the needle poking from the patient's femoral vein... Saline was injected and some blood was taken. It seemed that the doctor was not satistied with the flow of blood in the right thigh. Hence, she changed to another side. By this time, I began to feel giddiness. I had told my colleague that I felt GELI already. But now, it had worsen. I could not stand it no more. I walked off. I could see my vision blurring, my visual field was getting smaller interrupted by shadows. My colleague had asked me to sit or offered me to buy me something, but I just couldn't answer him well as I could not listen well to what he had said to me. All was blurred. I walked, but in a zig-zag line. I tried best to balance myself. Luckily my colleague insisted on following me even though I had asked him to proceed with the observation. I found a chair to sit after asking for permission from another patient nearby. I even asked her if she had a sweet for me to chew. I might be hypoglycemia, although I'm not hungry. Maybe I was too exhausted. Lack of sleep. I closed my eyes off to shun myself from the world for a moment. I just kept wishing I would not faint, not in the ward! I guessed after 1 minute, I began to feel better. I talked to my colleague. He still offered me to buy me something to eat, or just take some biscuit from patient. I refused. I still want to see the procedure. Besides that, I also felt bad just walked off from the procedure just now. So both of us went to the bed again and continued. LUckily everything was fine. I just kept on sweating. Cold sweats I supposed.

Next, I decided to go back hostel for a rest. But half way on my journey, I only remembered that I had promised my another colleague of mine to bring back his tupperware. So again I went up to 7th floor. Finally, back!

Rushing to bathe, then here i went to night market located about 10 minutes walking distance from my hostel. Bought some fruits and food. Satisfied. Then I moved on with distributing some work to be typed for the appendix of my CRP project, and out of a sudden, my laptop just switch off. I was quite terrified at the moment because I could bare it if my laptop suddenly malfunction! Running here and there to ask other rooms, knowing it was not my laptop problem, but the plugs of all rooms had went wrong. So I went to the guard to ask for help. Fortunately, the problem was solve within less than 5 minutes! Yes~~

What a tiring day. I bathe another time as the weather was quite hot. Next, off the light and I lying like dead meat on my cozy bed....

2009-03-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

Since morning, i'd been rushing here and there. Painting the whole KB town red! Yet, what i've done???

LIst to to completed:
my high heels, checked;
photocopy reference book, checked;
donation to WWF-Malaysia, checked;
Paying debts, checked,
Cut hair, checked;
Hugging mom;
eat as much home-cooked meals, DONE!

Well, I'm definitely sleep-deprived. Slept late but woke up early. I just refused to waste any minutes at home. Went online as long as i could and not making any effort to edit my thematic report! It was a total hazard! Language (as I have been always complaining about) and attitudes of my colleagues~~ I'm so sick of these...............

Luckily, i'm home. Balanced up! My dad was so willing to fetch me here and there helping me running my errants. Mom cooked such a nice meals for me. I'm so touched! Little bro was so loving... I wonder what have I done to them? .... I can't list it out.... So bad!

Anyway, the journey back to Klang tomorrow is gonna be torturing, I can imagine that already. WhateVer it is, I have no choice. Life's like this~

On the other hand, I'm fighting within my own inner conflict. Am I .... Shd I.... WHat will i discover? What will others think? WHat will happen exactly? or just end up NIL??!!
Just gotta leave things to settle on its own sometimes, nothing much that I can do.

Why????

2009-03-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm always thinking... I think a lot actually, of everything. Myself, my parents, my family, my friends, my academic, and etc.

I was so devastated when i first found out my plan to go back home failed. I even had tears flowing down my cheek. I just can't control that. Too bad. Too emotional of me. Yet, in the nick of time, my roomie saved me. She called up her aunt to give me a ride. In the end, i'm home! Yippie!!!! I can sleep on my bed, hug my lovely brother as well as my loving parents. I just feel so glad right now.

It has been quite some time since the last time i had posted a blog. In the past few weeks, I went to Maran, Pahang. A very small Bandar Ayam Kampung. While doing project, my group members and I had found some fun although some of us (girls) had lived miserably in the dining hall next to a kitchen! bad... On the other hand, it was indeed a very good memory and experience. My relationship with my coursemates became so much better and closer. We played together, sleep together (not the guys though...), eat together, and work together. I enjoyed alot!

Small things may lead to one another... Certain comments by my colleagues had made me pay extra attention to a friend. Well, I admitted that some comments really did make me feel shy to talk to him sometimes. LUckily, he was sporting enough for all those. HIm and I were just good friends (I think), although I don't know him much. Just have good impression on him. Hope those comments won't cause me to lose a friend like what I had experienced in my secondary school!

Mentioning of Maran town, my editing job not finish yet! Too bad that I have too bring it bcck to edit. Language is the major problem. I find it hard to understand what is written sometimes. I have to re-write the discussions again whilst my own language is not very good though...

So many things are waiting for me. Hence i'm often in dilemma, which to settle first?
WHatever.... (study later...)

Oh yeah, today 8.30pm is the time to play our part in joining the 60 earth hour programme. I'll play my role definitely.

2009-03-27T08:35:00.001-07:00

Depress, is the word that suits me well? I’m not sure, because I don’t feel good, that’s all I can say for now.

Dunno why, I feel very down today. Morning wake up, I started to feel lost. Alone, to be exact. Why am I here? Where should I go? What should I do next? I feel like I lost my direction. I have task to do, but it makes me feel irritated. Uneasy. God knows why! Haih, I am feeling empty. It is so hard to describe it in words. I tried to eat, sweet stuff, you know, may increase good hormone that makes us feel good. But sadly, that don’t work on me this time. I try listen to music, but still no changes. Bad…. What should I do now? Talk? To whom? My mom? I don’t want to bother her with my problems. I don’t want her to worry about me, she is busy marking exam papers. Dad? Erm, he’ll sure say something positive to calm me down. But that’s not what I want.

Actually I don’t even know what I want. What I am searching for…. I just feel so empty. That’s all. As a matter of fact, my mood swings. I’m thinking that I’m not independent enough to solve my own problems. Friends? Who should I talk to? Roommate? I don’t’ know how to talk to her…. My best friend? By the way, I don’t’ want to bother anyone. But this stupid feeling is killing me at his moment. What can I do? Feel like crying… Too idiot to do so…

Currently listening to song by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. It is so graceful and sweet. But is it real? Can there be any miracle happen in reality? Just believe it and it can be achieved? I want to, but the hope is really frail…. Seems to be far far away. I’m just too naïve, I think. Although I really hope for a miracle deep down inside my heart. I want to be practical, but living in a dream world may make us feel good sometimes. Just believe that miracle will happen? Just so??!!

In a nutshell, it is just so simple yet so complicated. I wish someone can understand what i feel, or at least understand my feeling for now….

2008-12-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

After finishing my exam, I felt so ... just can't find the correct word to describe my feeling. No burden? maybe. I am definitely sure I did not feel tachycardia anymore. What should I do next? THat's a major problem. I did not know what to do. I felt so EMPTY!!! Okay, i washed my lab coat; drank Magnesium Trisilicate. Then I went to YN's room to online. I am so addicted to it. I longed to write my blog. Time flies. I updated my facebook and friendster, checking and forwarding my emails and downloading Christmas songs. B spotted me online in messenger. He tempted me to go out with him to MidValley this evening. I was so interested. I could go shopping and take nice photographs, somewhat with B and his 'COOL' camera! But, i turned down the offer. This was because I had asked W to bring me and YN out for dinner tonight. I would feel guilty if I suddenly cancel of the appointment. Arrgghhhh, it put me in such a Dilemma. Finally, i hold on to my appointment. The next thing was, looking at the clock for time. Oh, it was time to bathe. By 6pm, I'm done. Now that i'm actually waiting for his call. By 7.05pm, he called me. Unfortunately, he had a family dinner at the same time. So, of course I said to him to go for his family dinner, which is more important. Although I did feel a bit disappointed. I weren't angry. Just plain frustrated that I had nothing to do. Moreover, I felt guilty causing YN to wait for him yet no dinner anymore! Luckily, YN had back-up plan. She called another friend of hers and wee~~ we're heading to Jusco for dinner and movie! A few moments later, W asked me out a supper. He must be feeling guilty for abruptly cancelled the appointment. So, i just offer if he wanted to join me for movies in Jusco. He did went to Jusco to meet me, but he opted to skip the movie part. Too late for him as he has to wake up early the next morning for work. I don't mind. So sweet of him to accompany me. I enjoyed it. Though he kinda trying to have body contact with me by rubbing his finger on my arms in a few occasions. He also praised me that I am pretty tonight. Besides that, we talked about his girlfriend in Russia, fragrance, daring me to lose weight and so on... Althought there was times when both of us fell silence, I still enjoy the moment a lot. Could this last longer? Can it happen again? So like I'm daydreaming... Last but not least, YN didn't buy movie ticket for me. He insisted on me to go watch. Despite that, I am in no mood to watch actually. I'm tired. My eyes were worse than a panda, i thought. I just wanted to have a good nice sleep. Hence, he sent me back. Well, in front of my hostel, there were people walking here and there. Unavoidable, Sharon and Sow Cheng saw me. Both of them wanted to verify. Okay, I am in no mood to deny. He did went to Jusco to meet me (although he was tired and kept yawning). But, so far, W and I are just FRIENDS. He never say anything more than that. People asked, your girlfriend? I don't see him denying it. Well, I just kepy insisting to my busybody coursemates that we are just friends. I do have some feelings toward him. I like seeing him. Though, I am not sure how he feels for me right at this moment. Does he likes me too? or maybe him and I just good friends? Sincerely, I hope I can know him more, be closer to him and wish for my hope will be answered soon. I hope. Will he?

2008-12-19T08:28:00.001-08:00

Hope

I made the initiative to go LR to see him. Well, I think I’m making it very obvious. Although I had some cover-up moves. He did come to talk to me, however, I did not know whether it was just coincidently he walked out to find someone, then just saw me by chance and talked to me. I was like a lil’ blank every time I see him. Usually I’ll become tongue-tied! Idiot! Oh…

He asked me to have a dinner with him, a rush dinner as he was on-call yesterday. My heart wanted, but my mind kept telling me to reject him, as I want to know how much he wants me as his company. Is it he only asked me by chance as I meet him in the ward? Or is it he just feel lonely and simply asked me? Or maybe he did really want to have a dinner with me? She told me her opinion that if a guy really fond of me, he will ask me out again even if I had rejected him a few times. I mean, if HE really likes me, do ask me out again, my heart will melt! I’m not a stony-hard person. I’m just a girl. I think I have made so many moves that show I am fond of HIM. Pasar malam, ward, and lunch in Kompleks.

I just want HIM to make a few initiatives. Am I asking too much? Just Call me or message me. Keep my mind occupied. Everytime it was me who message or find him. I’m just a girl. To me, I think I am straight forward enough. I am fond of him. What? I think HE does have some interest in me, but I want to ask for more signs to confirm. Sometimes, I think he is so nice to everyone that I’m just one of it. Nothing special. Just plain sweet talks. IF it is really that case, I SHOULD quit missing HIM. It’ll be better just remain friends. Don’t waste my energy thinking about HIM.

I really wish I am a boy right now. I want to know how does a boy thinks and feels, especially in this kind of situation. But I’m just a girl. I just want to protect myself from getting HURT in the end. I’m not asking too much, am I? I really hate this part right now, because it leaves me hanging. Dilemma.

DO YOU LIKE ME? C’mon, give me some signs, because I like you too, it wouldn’t be so difficult to approach me. Otherwise, DON”T contact me no more, let me live peacefully… sigh~~

2008-12-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

I am disappointed with myself. I think too much. Daydreaming. I put too high hope. I am too desperate! What’s wrong with me??!!

Undeniably, I do like him. I think of him whenever I am free. I think of the way he talked to me, his gestures and eye contact. I guess I just misunderstood his friendliness instead of liking me! I feel I am at lost now in a deep blue sea. I miss him. But I don’t think he does to me. It is just me, myself and I who wanted for more. I hope something better to happen. Maybe any signs and symptoms which shows I am right, in a certain way? Maybe he does have feeling towards me too? I hope. I wish. Will it ever happen? I want to stop myself from thinking of him now. What for if it’s only me alone… I hate this part right here! I just lost something I wanted so much. I feel so awkward! But I never regret any moment I talked to him. At least some sweet memories floats in my head. For me to mesmerize. I gotta stop this even though I don’t like it. For my own sake. Nobody can help me except myself. I feel myself very stupid and dumb. I am lost now. I feel bad!

I can’t stop thinking about him. Especially after meeting him yesterday in Jusco Bukit Tinggi with a girl named Sam. I don’t know. I felt Jealous. Am I crazy?? I think so. Yes. Him and I aren’t tied down together as boyfriend and girlfriend. So why do I feel so? Cause I like him. Crush. Sigh…. Every moment I keep looking at my handphone, wishing it will ring. Any message from him or maybe call? (worse) Everytime it was me to initiate to message him, waiting more than 12 hours for a simple reply. Stupid me. Like yesterday, I couldn’t control myself from messaging him about Jday. This time, I really really wish he will automatically, I mean initiates to contact me. Will he? The chances seems to be very small. Maybe I should just kill that thought! Sad case. I am so desperate. I feel so empty and lonely. I want to have a boyfriend, for me to love and to be loved. Will I ever get it? I’m not sure…

2008-10-26T23:37:00.001-07:00

My mom asked me yesterday, does anyone interested in me?

That sparked my thought.... She meant the boy that accompany me to ward almost everyday. Well, I did told my mom about what's happening to me everyday, my findings, my cases, my feelings and so on. My mom is my best friend. No one can beat that. But still, there's not everything I can tell her. Sometimes, I feel very miserable cause I can't share the story with her. I can't tell her everything I feel. It is like bursting inside of me.... What can I do? Keep it within me, I concluded, is the best way.

What the heck it is about? What makes me so sick of myself? Haih...

I'm in the run of searching for my life partner, my "the other half" in another words. Undeniably, I'm attracted to the opposite sex especially when he is a good man, trustworthy and honest. Mom asked me before, what criteria do i set? Well, I want a clean-cut, genuine man with honesty and trustwothy. Is it too high my request? I don't think so. No matter what his job, where he works, the most important thing is that he loves me as I do to him. So far, nil~~

Sometimes, i'm fascinating about meeting my boyfriend, with him cudddling me, hugging and kissing me... It is so warm, I suppose... I wish it will come true. Especially when I saw other couples in the walk-way. I'm jealous for sure. I keep asking myself, when will it be my turn? I know myself, i'm not very pretty, short and plum. None in me that is attracting and outstanding. But i believe it will be my turn when someone discover who is me, inside me.... This ain't gonna be easy, maybe takes time too... Whatever, I'm daydreaming~~

2008-10-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

Oh man, i'm finally back in hostel at HTAR again. IT is not a stranger to me, but still, I miss home. ~Home Sweet Home~~

I boarded the train last night at Wakaf Bharu Train Station at 7.10pm. The train was late. Both my parents sent me off. Oh yeah, the coach E4 was damn hot as the air conditioner was not on. After someone went to complaint, it was finally switched on. It was not very cold, but cool enough for me..I was sitting on my bed reading CLEO, the magezine bought in the evening. While reading, I finished off the Pita Bread mom cooked for me. IT was so nice and delicious. Oh, wish I can have more, it was so tasty. 2 hours later, about 9pm, I was a bit dizzy, as an effect of reading on moving vehicle. Hence, I put my self to sleep, though it was quite early still.

"Bum bum bi dam bum, bum, bi dam bum....disturbia~~~" my message alert tone rang, it was messages from mom... Then i went off to sleep again....

The next moment i woke up was already 8.30am. I was quite surprised that I slept for that long hours. A good and deep sleep. I felt so much more energized. After an hour, the train arrived at KL sentral. I went to 7-11 to bought 3 high 5 bread, then went to Pasar Seni LRT to take bus to come back to HTAR. The whole journey was quite smooth. About 10.30am i stepped into D110. My room. I cleaned and mopped the floor. Put my Yellow Blanket out under sun to let UV kills bacteria; same things goes to my bed sheet and pillows too. After that only I went to bath. I was quite smelly, I don't deny that. Haha....

I wanted to call my mom, but i postponed the thought after lunch. Coincidentally, my mom called me when i went to toilet to wash clothes. I called her, informing her my journey and that I arrived in HTAR safe and sound. I went to lunch in the dining hall alone. Luckily Khoon Sim came and eat and accompany during my meal time. Not so boring though...

2008-10-25T01:20:00.000-07:00

Help, i can't access my own blog!!!

2008-10-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

I always wish I can have a romantic or at least a nice relationship by the time I reach 21 years old. Just a trustworthy and honest guy who loves me and take care of me... It requires feelings... I know, i know, the more I wish, the more things won't happen to me.... It is always like that. I just can't explain why. Maybe GOD is playing games with me. I dont dare to go fortune-teller to ask for my romance. Because I afraid things will turned out bad. I mean~~not on the bright side. On the other hand, maybe i'm too fussy? nope, i don't think so. Not much guy friends around me. Am I too passive? Some quiet girls also able to attract the opposite sex. Why can't I when i'm more active and talkactive than them? erm, I know i'm not beautiful or possessing a slim and sexy body, i'm me! What's wrong with me??? THis thought have been jumping inside my head for quite some time. I never able to figure it out... Haih....

I changed my haircut, try on new style, hanging out with a differet group of friends who are more out-going and more male friends. But still, I'm always on the dark side. No one sees me, I wish i can be in the limelight. I mean, I want to try?! Anyway, I do not know what to say, just smile and stand a side. Cause I dont' have a thing which enable me to comment or participate! No beauty, not sexy, not knowledgable enough, dull, plum, short, not jovial and NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!

Am i too fierce to be approachable? maybe. That always become the first feedback i got when getting to know new people. I did try to change, to break the ice. More smiles... But i dont' like to fake it! Not me at all<<>

Haih...WHATEVER! i gotta keep my life goin on, to see more, to experience more, to play more, and keep searching. I will not give up. I know I shouldn't. LIFE IS COMPLICATED. nobody can deny that, it just depend on how you look at things from different perspectives.

~chao~

2008-10-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm kinda new to this blogspot.com//

I like writing post, it is a way where i can express my feelings, to the extent of all those things that I hardly can tell others include my mom through verbal language!

I just finish my exam 2 days ago, which i thought was quite bad. My efforts all in med posting? All went into dust! It was not that i never did that examination before, but... I'm not well-prepared, which I should! I'm mad with myself. Although I can't do a thing about it now... I'm always like that, regrets came when it's already an end =.=

There is so many things in my head. I'm having palpitations and grasping for air when i woke up suddenly from my bed! Nightmares... Even eveningmares! Whatever~~ I'm thinking about my exam, my friends, my groupmates, my med posting which already comes to an end, my next future posting; my family, my search for the other half??? Haih, everything is so intense and I wish I can solve it immediately. But, my LIFE is just about to begin... Like I always say,"LIFE IS COMPLICATED!" We'll never know what will happen next... to make it short, Things never occur like what i expected or planned. That's why...